Memories keep me up at night

I was talking with my mom in the car today after driver’s ed and she’s disappointed in me for not keeping my room clean. I’m pretty disappointed in myself, too. I’m not mature. I don’t wake up at 6:00 every morning to study for the SAT test like i’m supposed to. I go and talk with friends on tumblr. My mom doesn’t even know I have an account on there and I’m pretty dang sure she’d be furious if she ever found out. I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, both minuscule and large and I have to relive those moments every night before bed, whether it’s about some small awkward moment I had to me making a fool of myself in middle school. I can’t focus on anything because I keep thinking about everything I’ve done wrong and the millions of ways I could have fixed it. I haven’t done anything like commit a crime. Just these memories of bad moments in my life. All the times I’ve screwed up. I’m so lazy that I just lie in bed every morning doing nothing but staring at the ceiling and thinking about mistakes. It’s always mistakes. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, they always seem to squeeze their way into whatever I’m doing and then I zone out for a bit and forget what I’m doing and then I’ve got to add that to the list of things I’ve screwed up. I don’t put on makeup every morning like I promised to do for my mom since she let me get short hair. Most times I just don’t want to put it on because I just think it’s kind of stupid. I’m not trying to impress anyone or anything. It’s just a waste of money to me. Then there’s other days when I think to myself that I do want to put it on. And I take so long getting ready that my mom has to yell upstairs to me to make sure that I’m not doing something I’m not supposed to like reading a book or texting my friends. I hate how stupid and lazy I am. I hate myself. I don’t do all of my chores. I just “disappear off to my room or something to do who knows what”, as my my has put it. I’m mostly just up there trying to get some sleep because I’m tired of how shitty I am at everything. I can’t do anything right. I don’t want to talk to my mom about why I cry most of the time, because she’ll think I’m wallowing in self pity when I just hate myself to oblivion, so I go cry up in my room and wait it out until she calls up again to tell me that I need to get back downstairs to work on SAT practice. I’m glad that she cares about me and wants me to succeed but I just keep disappointing her and I know the only way I can make it stop is by wworking and I need to do just get it over with and do my dang work but I haven’t and I feel bad if I do it because I suck and the only way to get better is by just practicing but I don’t listen to myself or my mom and I go to tumblr because I need to feel better so I go look at stupid memes that make me laugh until I don’t need to cry anymore but then I feel worse and now my life’s just a mess. I went and twisted this rubiks cube to oblivion and now I need to fix it.