My head is ruined

I honestly feel like beating my head over and over again so I can die from a concussion.

Maybe it sounds odd but I’ve been doing that recently. Just punching the sides of my head. I want to die.  5 years of hell and it never ends. Why the hell did they strip me of my gun rights? All I freaking want is to shoot my brains out.

My “solution” costs 180k and the older I get, the more likely it is it won’t do anything. That is too much.. hardly a solution. I am so infuriated by that price.

Getting them at a late age is sort of like someone giving you a million dollars when you only have 5 seconds left to live. At that point, what good is it? Even if I were to get them now, I know it’s already too late.. my only “solution” is not only impossible to get but even if it weren’t, it won’t fix me anymore. That’s the very definition of hopeless.

I can’t freaking take this. Ever since I was 7, it bothered me. I became suicidal when I was 16.5. Now I am 22. Over 5 years of hell on earth.

I lost everything. Every god damn day I swear it’s the same freaking thing. Every freaking day is nothing but torture. When the hell is this sadistic god finally going to have his fill with me?! I am tired of these games of his. I can’t function anymore. I am at my freaking limit.