I was kicked out of one of my dance classes because I didn’t finish the combination across the floor and was then snippy with the teacher because I was on the verge of crying and hyperventilating and refused to finish it. I then went to the bathroom and ended up crying and hyperventilating. God!!! What the FUCK is wrong with me? How will I ever be able to show my face there again? I love that teacher and now she hates me because she doesn’t get why I was like that. Just another person on the long list that I’m a massive disapppointment to, I guess. Just thinking about seeing her again tonight makes me want to throw up. Should I pretend to be sick and not go today? (I apologized but of course it didn’t matter)
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No, go a couple of minutes early and talk with her. Apologize for what happened and tell her why it happened, be honest. You like her and you like dancing, so don’t run from it. She can’t help you, if she doesn’t know why you couldn’t finish the combination. Dancing is an art form and things can get intense. I’m sure she’s seen similar stuff in the past.
I emailed her and said it was because of anxiety but she just pointed out that I snapped at her, had given up, and basically was a massive disappointment. And I lied to my parents about it. For the last two weeks, I was actually doing relatively ok and wasn’t cutting much at all. But this always happens-I have a meltdown, screw something up, and now I’m cutting myself like crazy. Fuck my life.
And that place is the first time anybody’s like ever truly valued me and I messed that up. Now nobody will touch me with a ten foot pole
Prove her wrong then. Go to the classes and do your best. You haven’t messed it up. We all trip up or fail. No-one’s perfect. The important thing is not to give up on things you enjoy. This is good for you, so keep at it. Also, as you know, cutting feels good and helps with the anxiety, but it doesn’t solve anything, and in the long wrong it’ll make things worse. Maybe when you get the urge to cut, practice your dancing instead. Let that be your emotional outlet.
I’m so sorry and I do know the feeling. My one safe place is the gym, but I know it’s just a matter of time before I screw it up, create a scene or have a public breakdown (came very close this weekend but managed to hide in a bathroom stall). I don’t have any advice because I know the situation is way beyond words for you. Just know you’re not the only fuckup in town.
Yeah I know the feeling. Well, like Alice in Wonderland, we’re all mad here :-). I’m angry now too because she didn’t even apologize for singling me out and penalizing me because I was having ANXIETY. I will never trust her again, sadly.