is my father’s birthday and I will not wish him a happy one because we don’t get along.
What’s most present on my mind is my relationship with my partner who is chronically late and not great about communicating about it. This past week she was late three times in a row. Only a few minutes late to the movies but then forgot I was picking her up from work and lied about what time she’d be home, she got there 1.5 hours later and then lied again on Sunday about what time she’d leave work and called me 1.5 hours after she should have left to let me know that she was just leaving then. Every time she is late to hang out with me I feel disrespected and not valued. I’ve told her this and talked to her about how important time things are to me but I feel like she hasn’t been on time at all over the last few weeks. I don’t know that I can take this anymore. We’ve been through a lot these last two years but a big part of me is fed up and just wants to end it, well our relationship. Wanting to die is a constant that I fight and I don’t think this break up would push me over the edge. I had so many plans in my head, I wanted to grow old together with her and raise a family but if she lets me down around time things I can see her letting a kid down too and forgetting to go pick them up or picking them up hours late or just me and a kid spending most of the time by ourselves because she is too busy. It all really hurts.
My best friend just left the country today and another friend that I was really close to is hard to talk to, she barely ever wants to hang out and doesn’t even give me excuses why she can’t hang out.
I’m starting to feel lots of different ways, like I’m sinking but I know I can make it through this. I’ve gotta keep fighting.