Wow I haven’t posted anything in a while. I suppose that’s a good thing. I’m 17 now, not 13 and silly. When I think back what I was dealing with then seems so little, so insignificant. It’s funny how age and experience changes your view. I know, I know a 4 year age difference is not at all that big. But I feel like I’ve changed a lot and a lot has happened. They say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but I’m not so sure anymore. I’m heavily depressed and I know it, I’m not in denial or anything but I really wish I could be. It’s like depression isn’t always the crazy, chaotic thing people assume it is. Sometimes it’s just a quiet, slow acceptance. That’s how my depression feels like, just a slow acceptance that life is hard and nothing matters. I hate it because of who it makes me, not only how it makes me feel. I have a loving, committed boyfriend who honestly might be my soulmate. Yea he has his issues and he’s mean and hurtful sometimes but for the most part it’s me. I can’t take help because I hate myself so much that I just assume everything someone says is a roundabout insult, cause I can’t imagine them saying anything else…. I lash out and get upset easily. I’m scared because I can’t lose him. I just lost my sister a couple of months ago. She committed suicide, and she was drunk. She left behind three daughters and a whole loving family but no note. No reason why, there’s no closure at all. I’ve been talking to a therapist but I’m worried cause my mama seems to think that I may need to be medicated. But I don’t want that I want to be above that. I want to be strong enough by myself. I want to not NEED anything to be ok. I want to be strong on my own. Depression is like a monster or a demon. And it’s so hard to break the hold it has. But I’m gonna try my best. Because there was a time when I loved myself, it’s not impossible. Now when I look in the mirror I want to cry, I want to love myself again.