I have this therapy group that I go to once a week, and it’s called a “selfworth-group” because it is supposed to help people who lack a proper sense of selfworth, i.e. people with low self-esteem, people who are self-conscious, etc. We’re currently six members, and during a meeting we usually do some kind of exercise, sit in a circle and talk about ourselves, or just listen to the psychologist explain concepts of selfworth.
What I did learn through that group, what I realized more than I did before, is that I am hugely dependent on other people’s reactions and conscious and unconscious feedback towards me. Most of all, my selfworth seems to be bound to whether there are people in my life that are happy to have me around, truly happy, that would miss me if I left, or whether there are no such people, or even worse, people that I care about that have a low opinion of me.
The group used to feel like it helped, a little. At least insofar as I felt better after a meeting than I did before, even if it didn’t actually fix my longterm sense of selfworth. But in the past 2 months or so that has changed, which might also have to do with my general depression during that time. I think what changed is that I started leaving the group with the feeling that no one really gave a shit about me, that they’d rather have me not come back than stay. And the more I felt like that, the more I secluded myself, and wasn’t able to talk freely where I wish I could have, which then just made me dislike the person I was even more, leaving the group feeling even worse than before.
It sucks that the psychologist doesn’t see what’s going on with me, when that’s kind of (I imagined) what he’s there for. He doesn’t think I take the group seriously, he doesn’t look like he knows why I go there, and in turn he doesn’t take the few things I say seriously, doesn’t really mind what’s up with me. I am the depressed anxious mess who is there there to try to fix himself, and he is the trained psychologist who supposedly handles cases like mine every day, so can’t I expect him to understand my situation at least a little, to push me to open up, to do what will actually help me in the end?
I don’t want to leave the group, because I have hope that maybe something might change after all. It’s also the only kind of social contact I have these days, apart from the internet. But right now, it’s just painful going there knowing I’ll just be my stupid secluded arrogant self again, knowing how I’ll feel after the group. It’s sad when the very thing that’s supposed to help you actually does the exact opposite. I hope it won’t stay like this for long.
2 comments
I have the same issue you just mentioned above, it is amazing how there are a lot of people out there having the exact same problems.
Now to get to the point I wouldn’t suggest you telling anyone you care about this:”I care about you a lotI do but you don’t.” I suppose you wouldn’t do this but I did and no matter what the person might probably say yes and whether it is or not we’ll keep telling ourselves it is a lie, more or less because they are just words and not actions.
As part of leaving the group? Now let’s see you told us that you feel way more bad going than not going, and the only thing keeping you with the group is the slight hope of it “getting better”.
Now not trying to get rough and keep in mind this is my opinion but things never get better unless you do something about it, I’m not trying to sound out cheesy but try to do something about what it is that it is bothering you, get out of your comfort zone and do stuff you hate or blatantly suck at (I’m shy and I fuck up everytime I talk and I’m myself not managing this very well). Give it a try, try to fix it work with yourself, if it doesn’t work then leave the group, there are plenty of groups or even people you could meet just by going out.
I hope things will get better for you, I’m sorry if I messed up on anything it is 1 AM, I’m having a headache and if that’s not enough I’m using my phone so.
When I was in group therapy the psychologist always said, “you only get out what you put in.” I see the truth in this statement, because for so long I was too closed off and hurt to communicate my feelings and frustrations. I always thought someone would see how much I was suffering and ask me about what is going on. But I guess I had unrealistic expectations of others. Eventually, I overcame my fear and began talking about what I’m thinking and feeling and participating in therapy and I began to slowly see positive results. There is bound to be some setbacks along the way, but it is worth it to keep trying.