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by aphids

my name is payton andrew, well- on the internet it is that. it’s currently almost 9 pm,,,such a weird time it is. i’m always tired at 9 yet i’m never tired enough to fall asleep. but then again alot of time it’s like that

i’m sounding dramatic, aren’t i ? well,,i’ll just get to the point on telling my life story. i want to get this out in case anything happens to me in the next few days.

everything that has made me as fucked up as i am now is because of my family. when i was 7 i had to watch my mom beat my sister for a petty little lie, now i can’t stand liars and get panic attacks if i get called a liar. when i was 15, i was waterboarded by my cousins. another time i was babysitting the youngest cousins and the oldest cousin came in with a knife and threatened me and his siblings with it. i didn’t know what to do back then, i was terrified and i was standing in front of the kids. going through something like that,,,it’s nothing like the media or the creepypasta fanfictions describe it

i can’t sleep, everytime i do i have nightmares. nightmares of me being stabbed over and over again or being drowned and not being able to pull myself out of the water.

i think i’m gonna give myself a year. a year to think things over and try to feel better and if it gets ripped away from me again i’m going to do what i’ve been meaning to do and go into a dreamless sleep forever

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clipped-wings 12/13/2017 - 9:42 pm

You’ve been through a lot. Have you ever talked about your experiences with a therapist or pastor? Someone you can trust that is bound to keep your confidence? I hope this helps. I have PTSD. Before that I never realized how painful things from the past can cause crippling physical and emotional distress.

aphids 12/14/2017 - 10:52 am

no i haven’t- i’ve been meaning to though but i gotta get to a therapist again.

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