I don’t want to do this anymore

As the title suggests I don’t. The truth is I haven’t wanted to continue for a long time now. The only reason I do is because I know it only gets worse if I don’t wake up go to work smile and look normal. I’ve honestly and wholeheartedly tried to commit suicide before. Multiple times in fact. I always did my homework first. Had stitches and coma as a result. From overdosing to slashing my wrists I always chose a good method and I truly didn’t care how hard it was I was dead set intent. I was always well away ( or so I thought ) from the chance of being caught. But in the end some how I get caught 10 miles out in the woods or a peddle falls off my bike on my way out of town. I’ve been to therapy and had this drug and that shoved down my throat due to legal troubles when I was younger. Ive also tried therapy after all the trouble was over when I was in control. It never really helped. There are times when things seem a little better times when I begin to get a little hope but it always just falls apart again. While I’m kind of hoping for things to get better I don’t really want to try anymore. I lost my will to try a long time ago. Now I just do what I have to in order to keep things less problematic. Even in that I struggle. It makes a huge difference ,when u don’t really want to live let alone try, and u r expected to shower, eat, and take care of other normal daily responsibilities. I eat only to avoid a stomach ache, shower 1-2 times a month, clip my nails when they start giving me problems, and trim my beard when I have a sudden good day ( usually my beard has long since grown unruly, unkempt and beyond ).