Its 12.30pm on a Tuesday morning, people my age are at work or school doing something meaningful with their lives yet here am I: Lying on my bed with no intention to make today worth it. I don’ t even know how I found the strength to type this. I have a job interview in a couple of hours yet I am wondering if I should go. I feel like doing nothing. Nothing interests me anymore. I have lost my appetite, my eyes are swollen from crying everyday.
2017 was one hell of a year. I graduated from college, I turned 24, got my first car, got a good job. Felt like I had my sh!t together. However I also lost my boyfriend of 3 years. got fired from 4 jobs and after the most recent one, I eventually attempted my first suicide project. I overdosed on a bunch of painkillers but that did not work. It just all came out as my body could not hold it in and I just threw up. For two weeks straight I put my phone off and avoided all human contact. My bestfriend who is in another country sent me a text « If you don’t respond to my messages I will call the cops ». Thats when I decided to use my phone again.
I live alone in Canada, all the few people who care about me are either thousands of miles away or just too distracted with their lives to know that I have been battling depression and anxiety for a long time now. I am a loner: no friends, no partner, no kids. I just feel empty, I don’t see the point to life. I am thinking that even if I had everything in the word I would still feel this way which is why I don’t even want to fight for good things. I did try before though, after my ex, I got into crappy “situationships” just to get some love out of it. I felt like if I was with someone, I would finally be happy but nobody likes a woman who is always sad, complains all the time and who seems desperate for affection. Its like trying to get a job when you have no experience; nobody wants to give you a job because you have no experience but how can you get that experience if no one is willing to hire you? That’s exactly how my life feels. I involuntarily push people away because of my melancolia but technically I need people or (people’s love) in order to get through it.
Being a Christian, the thought of suicide really scares me. If it works I am doomed: I don’t want to burn in hell fire. What good would it be to me to have lived an unpleasant life while alive and still go through same after dying? I want to be happy. If not in this life at least in the next one. Which is why I prayed to God endlessly to kill me Himself like in my sleep or through something really random and unexpected but He never did…. then I made a deal with Him to figure a way to “hide me somewhere” like going to an unknown country starting all over etc.. I don’t necessarily want to die but I want to be far away from everyone, I want to stop feeling like a failure and even when I do, I don’t want them to know about it. However God didn’t take this deal either. Will He be God if someone had the possibility to tell Him what to do? Lol
Another scary thing about suicide is what if it fails? Makes you hate life even more. Like I am thinking of drowning myself. Since I don’t know how to swim, it shouldn’t be too hard. But then again what if I get rescued in time? I will just be a laughing stock for people who know me. I know a lot of people pretend to sympathize with you when you are going through stuff but in reality, they just mock you in their hearts or they simply just don’t care. The people who care are supposed to be my family and friends but how do you explain depression to black people? No offense but most of them (most of us) just don’t get it.
The truth is I feel bad having to worry those who care about me, its easier running away than facing my truth with them. I am tired of being an emotional burden to them & even a financial burden. I was told that suicide is being selfish but I think its actually being very considerate. Is it not better for my folks to feel the pain just once when I die rather than being stressed on a daily basis because I am alive?
Some people go through stuff because: well, “such is life” but almost everything I go through is due to my own stupidity. Its like I don’t think straight. I am so clumsy. I wish I could forgive myself for all those mistakes . Even if I did will I want to start all over? My brain keeps thinking about the exact things which am trying to avoid. I want to shut it up forever. If I don’t, I would probably start using drugs or something and thats exactly what I am trying to avoid. I need a pill (just one or two) which I can take with a glass of wine and just sleep forever. Is that too much to ask?
7 comments
im having a hard time, too. maybe that makes it easier to care about people you don’t know.
it seems to me that most people just can’t understand if they haven’t experienced it.
i understand, if anything, the rationale – i would have died a million times by now without the nagging feeling that i’d just wake up in another life with the same feelings or worse.
maybe one of us today will get the strength to love ourselves as much as we can love a stranger on the other end of the line.
Thanks for your kind words ?
You expressed a lot of what I’m feeling too. But ask yourself this: In your circumstances, what human WOULDN’T feel miserable and hopeless?
You are isolated and unemployed. You feel lonely, alienated.
It is gradually dawning on me how unhealthy modern life is for us – not just physically, but emotionally too. A fellow user linking to the book below really made it hit home:
amazon.com/Depression-Cure-6-Step-Program-without/dp/0738213888/
I don’t think this is your fault. We haven’t evolved to deal with modern life. Genetically, we’re still optimized for living in small, close-knit hunter-gatherer tribes. Not for office work and living alone in the big city.
So many people are lonely and depressed. Everyone staring into screens all the time isn’t exactly helping.
My guess is that what you need is a healthy dose of human contact. Either through a job where you care for others (or for animals), or through some activity you attend in your free time, or by finding a roommate (or several).
I think you sound like a lovely person, honestly. Please don’t kill yourself. Well done for graduating college. That is more than I have ever done.
Don’t give up. There is still time.
Hugs
Thanks a lot
Swimming is very easy unless you get in the water and don’t even try to move an arm or a leg you will basically float. You have almost drown before? All you do is flap your hands like you’re a doggy and you stay above water or you can lay on your back and float. Also kicking your legs will keep you above water.. it is very simple. If you stand still in water and don’t flap an arm you may have your head dunked but once underwater you will start flapping to rise above the water. It is a little harder in rocky water like the ocean. It is easy to drown in ocean not so much in lakes or rivers. Rivers are sometimes not peaceful so current can take you under but usually you just float with current unless you get STUCK. Ocean is difficult? Have you ever tasted ocean water? It tastes so bad. And if you get it in your eyes you can’t see. If you get too much in your mouth or windpipe then you can’t breathe. That’s why they have shipsmates keep track of rocky water. It is easy to drown in ocean/
I’m in Canada too. Born and raised on hockey and syrup..
Email me and we can chat. Maybe we’re in the same province/territory.
valeena.ziegler@hotmail.ca
Dear Chloe, I pray you will cut yourself some slack. Sounds like you may have a broken heart. If so, they do mend, even if to a hairline fracture. You articulated so well, it’s obvious you’re bright, but when we’re feeling as you expressed, bright doesn’t cut it. Add the complication of Christian faith. Worse yet, Catholic(s) who believe in redemptive suffering. I’m Christian too but have expanded my faith out of fire and brimstone. There are times I’ve believed this is hell. If this is hell, then the next dimension must be incomprehensively beautiful. I definitely know I do not want to recycle thru this life, hence, offing myself might land me right back at square one according to scriptures of many cultures. Then again, I’ve been medically damaged to such depths of pain and isolation that I’ve also rationalized my “natural” life was over long ago so my spirit guide will lead me home if I am at peace with this decision. You are so young. I am pushing 60. Today’s world is scary and I keep and end of life supply because I don’t want to suffer through some horrific disaster, especially already being chronically ill and injured and A L O N E. I would encourage you to keep forgiving yourself. Care less of what others think, might think. Channel your energy to you, your pain, your joy. Sometimes we get sick of being where we are at and pull up long enough for the next smack-down or lift-off. Certainly, your generation is riddled with a toxic world and biologically may be affected in harmful ways. At 52, when there was nothing more the medical establishment could do for me except ruin me into the ground (I was set up anyway, as a child, so sickly with lots of mercury in my teeth) I began to research and stumbled upon alternative health. What an eye-opener. I encourage you to research. Look into Candida. Check out diets (vegan is/vegetarian). Ask for God’s guidance and He will begin to reveal more and lead you to the information that could prove beneficial. At the very least, it will be a distraction, an educational journey. Maybe with take-always, maybe not. It can be daunting as there is so much conflicting information, but with God’s guidance it’s worth a shot. My heart has been broken several times. The last one resulting in a parting of ways from a 20 year marriage. Turns out he was as weird as I suspected, just couldn’t ever put my finger on it. Felt like I was left for dead. Somehow I kept remembering God has not turned His back on me. Living a life of faith is not flowering enlightenment. But it did bring me out of the darkness of ignorance. I’ve wanted to die since I can remember. I have two adult children. One is independent, the other has many challenges. Sadly, I know I passed onto them, what my mom passed on to me. So I stayed in the game to impart to them what I’ve learned these last 6 years. Take what they will. Meanwhile, I also know these shorter darker days are unspeakable, so I’ll try to get thru to spring and see what the change of seasons may bring. I hope you will explore, Chloe, to see if something biological is bringing you down. Thank God, this is temporary. Right? We are all just passing through.