What are you doing Chloé?

  December 12th, 2017 by chloe17

Its 12.30pm on a Tuesday morning, people my age are at work or school doing something meaningful with their lives yet here am I: Lying on my bed with no intention to make today worth it. I don’ t even know how I found the strength to type this. I have a job interview in a couple of hours yet I am wondering if I should go. I feel like doing nothing. Nothing interests me anymore. I have lost my appetite, my eyes are swollen from crying everyday.

2017 was one hell of a year. I graduated from college, I turned 24, got my first car, got a good job. Felt like I had my sh!t together. However I also lost my boyfriend of 3 years.  got fired from 4 jobs and after the most recent one, I eventually attempted my first suicide project. I overdosed on a bunch of painkillers but that did not work. It just all came out as my body could not hold it in and I just threw up. For two weeks straight I put my phone off and avoided all human contact. My bestfriend who is in another country sent me a text « If you don’t respond to my messages I will call the cops ». Thats when I decided to use my phone again.

I live alone in Canada, all the few people who care about me are either thousands of miles away or just too distracted  with their lives to know that I have been battling depression and anxiety for a long time now. I am a loner: no friends, no partner, no kids. I just feel empty, I don’t see the point to life. I am thinking that even if I had everything in the word I would still feel this way which is why I don’t even want to fight for good things. I did try before though, after my ex, I got into crappy “situationships” just to get some love out of it. I felt like if I was with someone, I would finally be happy but nobody likes a woman who is always sad, complains all the time and who seems desperate for affection. Its like trying to get a job when you have no experience; nobody wants to give you a job because you have no experience but how can you get that experience if no one is willing to hire you? That’s exactly how my life feels. I involuntarily push people away because of my melancolia but technically I need people or (people’s love) in order to get through it.

Being a Christian, the thought of suicide really scares me. If it works I am doomed: I don’t want to burn in hell fire. What good would it be to me to have lived an unpleasant life while alive and still go through same after dying? I want to be happy. If not in this life at least in the next one. Which is why I prayed to God endlessly to kill me Himself like in my sleep or through something really random and unexpected but He never did…. then I made a deal with Him to figure a way to “hide me somewhere” like going to an unknown country starting all over etc.. I don’t necessarily want to die but I want to be far away from everyone, I want to stop feeling like a failure and even when I do, I don’t want them to know about it. However God didn’t take this deal either. Will He be God if someone had the possibility to tell Him what to do? Lol

Another scary thing about suicide is what if it fails? Makes you hate life even more. Like I am thinking of drowning myself. Since I don’t know how to swim, it shouldn’t be too hard. But then again what if I get rescued in time? I will just be a laughing stock for people who know me. I know a lot of people pretend to sympathize with you when you are going through stuff but in reality, they just mock you in their hearts or they simply just don’t care. The people who care are supposed to be my family and friends but how do you explain depression to black people? No offense but most of them (most of us) just don’t get it.

The truth is I feel bad having to worry those who care about me, its easier running away than facing my truth with them. I am tired of being an emotional burden to them & even a financial burden. I was told that suicide is being selfish but I think its actually being very considerate. Is it not better for my folks to feel the pain just once when I die rather than being stressed on a daily basis because I am alive?

Some people go through stuff because: well, “such is life” but almost everything I go through is due to my own stupidity. Its like I don’t think straight. I am so clumsy. I wish I could forgive myself for all those mistakes . Even if I did will I want to start all over? My brain keeps thinking about the exact things which am trying to avoid. I want to shut it up forever. If I don’t, I would probably start using drugs or something and thats exactly what I am trying to avoid.  I need a pill (just one or two) which I can take with a glass of wine and just sleep forever. Is that too much to ask?

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