Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to die, I don’t want to hurt anybody, especially my family, and I definitely don’t want to let anyone down. My mom, she has no one else beside my little brother and I, and I can’t imagine her sorrow if I killed myself. I once told her that I want to die and she said “And what will I do without you?”
I want to disappear, to vanish, to cease to exist. I don’t know why I’m alive, I’m nothing but a huge disappointment, I feel like my presence is meaningless, why am I here? All I want is to fade away, to cease to be, and I don’t want to ‘Commit suicide’ or ‘Kill myself’ I just want to stop living.
I feel lonely, However, I do push people away, I don’t want them to know about how I really feel, I don’t want to get judged or reminded that ‘I’m better than a lot of people’ I know that I am, and I’m thankful for this, but I’m not happy. I’m hollow and empty inside, I lost interest in everything, even the activities that I used to find pleasure in, they mean nothing to me now, I’m falling apart, I’m screwed up and I’m losing hope. I don’t know why I’m still here.
I can’t get out of the bed, I don’t want to face people, I don’t want to talk, when I catch myself smiling I feel as if I’m lying to myself, I skip classes, I skip days, just lying in bed sleeping or pretending to be. Sometimes I hope that it’s just nothing but a mere, long nightmare.
I’m sorry for my English, it’s not my first language.
6 comments
Sorry that things are this difficult for you.
If it was my job to pick a post that, in my opinion, could effectively convey what almost one hundred percent of people on SP were feeling, I would pick your post. It just seems to cover so many of the issues many of us suffer with and discuss here. It’s like an all-encompassing summary of the effects of depression on the human soul. And it made me depressed, so I got to eat a bowl of cereal. 😉 Good post, not only because it speaks about your pain, but because it speaks about our pain, and our questions why this happens. Things will change, soon. They always do, right?
I’m really sorry I made you depressed, please forgive me. I really hate that we have to go through all of this. I do hope things get better soon. And thank you .
To be honest, I can’t really remember when was the last time I actually smiled.
I’m really sorry to hear that– though I think that none of us can. Stay strong.
You have a gift for communication. I wonder how many languages you speak. You remind me of a Russian Lit prof I had the privilege to know in college. Her English was better than our, even if her accent was a give away to her origins.
It is understandable, that desire to stay in bed, to dwell in the quiet twilight. It’s not a luxury I permit myself except on Sunday, “procrastination prone”, if you’ll forgive the pun. I get up even if that’s the only accomplishment for the day.
Thank you, I speak two languages and I’m learning the third. And yeah, sometimes getting out of bed is the greatest accomplishment of the day.