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I lied… Why admit it?

by Urm8451n

I lied to you guys about quitting this site…
I just can’t, you strangers are the only one to talk to.
I’m getting really lonely, and afraid of losing control.
I’m at my second semester, February is going to be the finals (University tests). Last semester I scored 88.5 average which is pretty high. But I promised my mom to score around 95 this semester.

I’m focused on the target…..but at the end of the day, when it gets silent, and I feel like talking, I’ve none to talk to.

I’m a friendly fine looking man, it is not that I don’t have friends out here or there.. But it is just that I’m holding back so many secrets and bad memories/ current events which I tell none about.

I used to have a friend from work, I texted at late hours. but her bf got so insecure and jealous that now she doesn’t text me.

I’m really lonely.

I hate this years the most. I hate college. I wish to finish it already.

everyone speaks about prosperity and development through the studies. everyone is focused on meeting others and studying.

I’m just focused on the fucking simple target.
I want to finish this so I’ll have the power to make my mom normal and sane (she is unmentaly stable and really short on money) and help my brother (he doesn’t have money, and few years older than me, currently doing nothing).

I wanted to say this: my grandmother is dying of cancer and I don’t speak to her for already four years.

my other grandmother died an year ago without me knowing, because I don’t have connection with my insane dad for about three years.

I’m just a fucking kid taking control at crazy ass situation.

My whole childhood is a one big miss of opportunities.

And same goes for my university experience.

I have gotten so lonely that I’m just crying infront of my smartphone in my 1 meter square room, to random strangers.

I don’t know how I’ll make it through

I really hope to find a girl to be with soon, because I really felt like I had reason to live with my last ex.

anyway, with or without, and even if current life gets worse, I would not kill myself because I’m a few steps from winning my life back.

Your comment matters,
stay strong be brace, do what you gotta do.
Your friend, Jac.


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clipped-wings 1/10/2018 - 6:49 pm

Welcome back I guess! You are focused and know what you have to do. School can be a lonely time. It was for me. It was a disaster. A very expensive one. But you have an ace. You have a reason. And you’re smart. And handsome.

Urm8451n 1/11/2018 - 2:51 pm

hahaha. Yeah I’m and thanks for the compliments. You are right.

Did you went to the university?

clipped-wings 1/12/2018 - 1:08 pm

I did. It sucked.

freeroma 1/11/2018 - 3:48 am

i think i’m finally giving it a good shot of quitting this place, at least for awhile.. i need to focus on other things.
it’s ok to use it when you need it, y’know? serves a decent purpose.

even after graduating though… you won’t have the power to stabilize your mom’s mental health. money can help with a few things and open up doors to some therapy (though low cost options exist depending on the place) but things are usually more complicated than a quick fix.
hopefully you can encourage your brother into something he’d like to do, too.

try to take it a bit easy on yourself. maybe take baby steps to open up, even if just a little, about some of the things you’re holding in with one of your friends, and if it’s a female with an SO then yeah that’d be mostly limited to daytime convos, i get the reaction of her guy even if it’s more a matter of convenience for you. not even necessarily in great detail, but connecting and bonding helps ease the lonely feeling, a bit hard with shallow things.
and if you do find an SO, make sure you’d be able to balance everything on your plate with the addition as well, and remember to keep your goal in mind as the driving force of life, instead of even inadvertently placing it on her.

Urm8451n 1/11/2018 - 2:51 pm

You are right. Thank you so much for all of your advices.

Btw ; what is your age ? really wondering are you over 30 ?

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