My life is perfect

  January 5th, 2018 by harleenquinn

I’m new here.  I’m 25, I have a beautiful daughter, she is the most perfect and beautiful little creature I have ever held, just got my first home last year in October, Friday the 13th to be exact, got married on October 31st , few days after we got the house,  I’ve gotten two promotions at my job and I get paid extremely good, I graduated with my bachelors in 2016.  My life is perfect as I titled this.  I want to kill myself.  Everyday I struggle with the thoughts of doing it but I can hear everyone asking why? My life is perfect.  But no one knows that’s it’s ME who isn’t perfect.  I hate everything about y being.  I hate seeing other girls loving themselves knowing that I cannot.  And when I try to stem off and find the reason I feel this way I can’t track it down.  I have always had these thoughts.  I have always felt like i couldn’t be loved or missed unless i went missing…and then when i hit around 7 it went from missing to being dead.  Side note: I have been diagnosed with childhood adhd.  I went to a psychiatrist when i was 23 wanting help.  But ever since i found out my brain is retarded I know I will eventually lose my shit and end up in a psych ward one day.  I struggle every day with these thoughts but I can’t abandon my daughter I know she loves me a lot she’s only 13 months.     But I hate living everyday with the urge.  My parents always hated who I was growing up to be.  My psychiatrist said my parents may have been naive to take me to get help.  And I see it.  I probably hate myself because I am so used to thinking i have to have it all together like my parents. it’s hard to accept that nothing is perfect now that I’m an adult.  I don’t even know why I’m doing this.  I feel like maybe it will help.  But i really feel like I will always be a retard. I can’t act right and I’m a 25 year old “WOMAN”.  I’m and “ADULT” but my mind is so retarded I act like a kid.  I have tantrums, i blackout and don’t know why i do things when i’m angry.  My parents don’t like to talk about it.  talking to my friends doesn’t take away the pain.  My husband betrayed me all the years we’ve ben together until the beginning of 2016 he decided to change.  But I feel like it’s too late.  My dr says I’m a good example of adhd being untreated which led to my other problems.  like depression, anxiety, ptsd, etc.  are these things even real? are they excuses for my shitty life.  I just hate wanting to kill myself everyday.  I hate hating myself everyday and i want it to be over.  audit’s not as easy as forgetting about it all.

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