Does it ever really get better? Every day gets harder and harder for me, and I have good moments, but overall, when I go to sleep at night, I feel like shit. I’m just upset all the time, or I feel nothing. Feeling nothing is almost worse than something sometimes, even if that something is an awful pain. Normally when I feel this shitty I cut, but I left my good knife in my dorm on purpose to try and make myself stop, but now I really wish I hadn’t. My dad, per usual, is an asshole drunk. I can’t pay for school anymore, but I’m still selling all my shit and working as much as I can to try and make it work. I failed an exam last semester, and that’s not like me at all, but I have no motivation to do anything anymore, and I just want to lay down and go to sleep and never wake up again. I don’t even know why I’m at school anymore. I just feel alone or like a piece of me is missing, and I can’t take it anymore. With every day, month, year, the pain and hate for myself grows, and I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I hate that I feel sorry for myself. Every time I talk about how I feel, it’s pretty much just me complaining about how shitty my life is when I know a lot of people have it worse, so why can’t I just be normal and stop feeling like this and whining about nothing?
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2 comments
Im sorry about your dad. And I know I don’t know you, but I’m so proud of you for supporting yourself like that. I could never do all that. You do have every right to feel bad or sad or just complain about anything. Yes, people have it worse, but pain is pain. Yours is no less than anyone else’s. I hope everything works out for you with school and money, but most importantly loving yourself. I know its hard, trust me, but you deserve to love yourself and to have others love you.
You’re a human being. It is okay to pipe up when you feel bad.
And IMHO, it is natural to feel stressed-out in the circumstances you find yourself in. Instead of berating yourself for being sad, or for failing an exam, notice the exams/classes you passed, the homework you handed in. Notice it and recognize it. The work you are doing to try to fund your way through college. All the work you put in at school. The fact that you are trying to keep it together while being at home with your alcoholic father. Under the circumstances, you are doing a valiant job. Give yourself some credit for it.
And maybe protect yourself if possible, from spending too much time around your father if he mostly brings you down. Maybe you can spend time with other people during breaks from college?
I also think you are overdue for some help and support, whether that be from a counselor or your friends. I dunno how it works in the States, I guess you mostly have to pay for this stuff out of your own pocket, but maybe there’s a way to get some assistance, guidance, support? Explore your options.
Hugs