The only advice I can offer is to take control. I don’t know how to tell you to do that, because I was in your position but I had the blessing of a mentor to walk me through it. Many people become trapped in a cycle of victimhood which is nearly impossible to break out of on your own. Try to find a support group in your area where you can connect with people going through similar things you are. You may end up connecting with someone there who is willing to guide you, just be careful not to let yourself be taken advantage of. That is how I met the man who changed my life.

I do not know why you feel like you are a “stupid a$$hole”, and I will not try too. Just know that just because we feel like we make poor decisions based on even worse circumstances does not necessarily reflect on our internal moral character. Please be kind with yourself, while not excluding yourself from doing.what needs to be done to help yourself. Despite everything, I have faith in humanity, maybe not now, but one day. Call me a realistic optimist.