Revisiting old traumas

i haven’t been on here for a year or so, and iv’e done so good in that amount of time i never wanted to slow down or look back at how i used to feel and cope with my depression. but i have poor stamina, and it’s caught up with me again.

I first visited this site in 2016 right after my parents had discovered my self harm and suicidal thoughts. At that time i was being emotionally and sexually abused by one of my closest “friends”, that had began a few years before but it peaked that year. The person who took advantage of me was a boy at my school. he was the first person i opened up to, and through that i grew closely attached to him. I gave him my trust, and as soon as he knew he had control of me he began to break me down. insulting me, manipulating me to believe i owed him something, even threatening to hurt himself if i didn’t have sex with him.

I was 13 years old when he first started to touch me.

I was terrified, and because of that fear i told no one for years. I coped on my own, crying, hurting myself, making excuses for his behavior, etc. He made me feel like i was worth nothing, that my only purpose was to be some kind of sex blow up doll.

He still goes to my school, in fact i see him almost everyday in the hallways. I haven’t reported him to the police or talked to any specialist about my experiences. As much as i just want to move on i keep forgetting how scared shitless i am of him. I freeze whenever he’s around. Anyways… i know this was long, and thank you for reading this far if you have. I just had to get that out there. I’ve been pushing it down for too long. and i need to remember that it’s okay to be vulnerable.