Fuck Fate

I’m not even mad at him anymore. I’m mad at fate. Because I’m 80% sure me and him were meant to be just friends. I’m a little mad at myself because I knew my feelings for him at first weren’t stable and I wish I read more into that but that was years ago. Now I’m stuck feeling like the shittiest person ever because I constantly look at the guy I love and know that if this continues the way it does, which it probably will because he is who he is and that wont change nor do I want it to, not if it means he has to change who he is for this relationship. I made that mistake and now I’m suffering through the consequences daily. I always blamed him but now I know I cant and this is all just bad fate but this issue is I’m not mentally strong enough for this fate. I fell in love with someone I’m probably not meant to be with and now everything sucks, hes my best friend now, my only friend. When life put you in a position like this its so fucking hard because 1. I’m in love 2. I really have no one else but him 3. theres no way not to be selfish or “correct” in a situation like this. I’m not faking my feelings at all. But I know what I think is the truth and I haven’t told him and I’m still dating him. I cant even type out everything I feel because the part I feel ashamed about I cant say its so fucking shitty I feel like I need to keep it in my head I don’t want any written. its nothing terrible like abuse or anything intense but for me to feel this way toward the person I love or to feel like I’m betraying them is another level for me. To be broad, it’s a new low for me and I’m ashamed of myself but when put in this situation is there any correct way to act/react? I don’t know.

Side note to anyone who reads this: I know this is all over the place and may be hard to follow I’m sorry I’m just ranting to myself kind of.