I am the architect of my own demise

This morning as I write this I am sitting in my bed. I went to sleep at 3 Am. Before all that I told my wife and soon to be ex that I was sorry I was a piece of shit husband and father. I used social media a lot so much that I pushed them to the side. I never cared as much as I used to for her. I cared more about people liking something I posted weather it be a status, pic, or video. I watched her have mental break downs and I wouldn’t ever comfort her. I lied to her all the time even about the most dumbest little things. I did however never cheat on her not once in the eight years we have been together. I could never bring my self to do that to her but honestly I might as well have cause I treated her like shit, emotionally speaking. I feel like complete shit at this moment . Ill save you the rest of the story but to get to it I was a bad husband. I lost the only woman I ever loved. I was a selfish piece of shit. I was burned so many times in my past I was just waiting for her to burn me and she never quite did from what she says. There was only one issue when we were together that involved her ex and I clung onto that as a excuse to treat her like shit. I tried to commit suicide half a year ago. I tried to get help then but I still feel numb. I feel there is no escaping it. I can try again and if I fail again this time Ill just keep going at it. I felt low last time I attempted it but now i feel its 100 times worse. I used to care so much for this person and now that she is steps from leaving I know I messed up. I don’t even know why I am writing this. I am alone now anyways. I always have been. I did this to myself. I made myself a huge fortress to hide behind and shut her and everyone else out. I know I am a coward. I might be a alpha male at work but when I get home I am a *****. Ive made my noose now, 13 turns. I won’t survive today I pray.