Why I have decided to kill myself

March 21st, 2018by IMDeadInside

Before I explain why i have made this difficult decision, let me tell you a bit of my life so you can understand. I was raised in a very abusive household. I was often blamed for problems in the home, and accused of things that that I had not done or weren’t my fault. I would tell the truth and explain that I had not done these things, but my stepdad would not believe me and punish me anyway. One instance I recall vividly was when I was about 9. My brother and I had been playing downstairs and at some point were told to come upstairs for dinner. After dinner my stepdad took me to the basement door, very angry, and asked me who broke the lightbulb. He was a foreigner so it was hard to understand him. He took me to the basement and asked over and over again about the bulb. To this day I still don’t know who broke it, but he believed I had broken it despite me telling him I hadn’t. He had me bend over and proceeded to beat me with a 2 x 4. All over a lightbulb. Over the years, it was always the same. I would be beaten, slammed up against the wall, or just simply screamed at being called stupid or worthless or anything degrading. My brother was spared the abuse, thankfully. I never had many friends (I have autism) and the abuse afftected me at school. I ran away several times, and attempted suicide before 13. Nothing changed. Finally I graduated and was “encouraged” to go to a technical school (writing and art weren’t “realistic”.) I struggled through the courses, never feeling like I had found my calling. I had several girlfriends though none stayed more than a month. I finally met the woman of my dreams shortly before leaving school. We lived together for 2 years, and I felt like I could be myself around her. She loved and accepted me and didn’t want me to be someone I wasn’t. But it wasn’t meant to be. She cheated on me with some other guy and we went our separate ways. I was miserable and wanted to feel loved. For the next 2 years I went from girlfriend to girlfriend, never feeling like I was loved. Then I met who I thought was Mrs. Right. We struggled financially and so moved in with her friends. It was the worst relationship I’d been in. She cheated on me constantly and always begged me to take her back (like a fool I did). During this time, my girlfriend’s friend was going through a custody battle with her ex and he had kidnapped their son (she had sole custody). We went to his house to confront him and to get her son back. The police arrived but told us to leave since we were trespassing. (Apparently it wasn’t a crime for him to kidnap his son since he never left the state.) About a month later, we were arrested and taken to the police station. Her ex had accused us of child molestation. We were taken to different interrogation rooms where they questioned us for hours. They alternated between promising to let me go if I confessed and threatening to send me to prison to be raped if I didn’t. No matter how many times I told them I was innocent, they wouldn’t believe me. Sadly, it brought me back to when I was a kid and would be beaten when I wouldn’t tell my stepdad what he wanted to hear. I was becoming more anxious and didn’t know what to do, so when they brought me a confession, I gave up and stupidly signed it, even though I knew it would doom me. I took the case to trial and maintained my innocence, but despite the kid saying I didn’t do anything, the signed confession was enough to convict me. Prison is rough, but it is hell for someone accused of a sex offense. I was raped repeatedly for months, beaten, had property stolen, was roughed up by guards, and had my life threatened repeatedly. I walked free after 10 years, but I was a changed person. The world was different too. Finding jobs was difficult and dating was nearly impossible. I finally got a job after too many rejections, and met a woman who I ended up marrying. But the marriage didn’t last. She wasn’t cruel but she was neglectful and demanding. No matter how many times I tried to work on the relationship, even suggesting counselling, it wasn’t enough. I ended up losing my job from the stress, which didn’t help things. I needed someone to talk to so I told a female friend about my problems. Over time I started developing feelings for her. Even though we never had sex, it was enough reason for my wife to leave. I begged her to stay, since I had no way to pay for bills, but she left anyways. It’s been 6 months now and I have still yet to find a job. The power has been shut off for months and I’m about to be evicted. I’m at wit’s end and I can’t see any options but suicide. I’m tired of the struggling and suffering. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. Take care everyone.

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