I can’t stop my mental illnesses please help me!!!

I feel like an asshole I let my emotions get to me, my fear crippled me like a sick child with polo. My thoughts run wild like horses in the night with no one to tame them but the morning sun. I sit here and I feel guilt, shamed by how I acted, sickened by the reflection in the mirror. I guess I’m so use to getting hurt that I just expect it from anyone anymore so my head tells me these lies as I wonder off in no mans land and believe these whispers that I’m told like an evil Ventrillquist who plays with my life. He who plays with my thoughts and tells me all these things that don’t make sense to everyone else but to me there crystal clear. Like pools of blue I swim in this sea of insanity always wondering where I’ll end up next. I hope for the shores of sanity but it seems as thought I’m always off course. I wonder if I’ll ever get to where I want to be in this life or will I just lay adrift out here all by myself with only my thoughts to keep me company. Only talking to the voices in my head, the same ones that try to kill me every night the ones who lye awake with me when I can’t go to sleep. I wonder if I need new friends bc these guys are like happy post men who bring me nothing but bad news in the form of suicide notes and cry’s for help. I wonder if tonight will be it as I staire down at my hands. Hands that look like someone with age, like someone who’s been through life without a guide or a loving hand who extends there arm to help and pull them the right way. So I get on my knees and I pray to something that I don’t quite understand but in the moment it’s all I have. In the moment it’s all I can do to talk to him bc the voices get so loud. They scream over me as I talk, telling me how I’m better off alone, to be thrown away like a discarded paper towel. One that blows in the wind as life just passes it by. Would I ever get so lucky when the day comes that I won’t fear them voices and put a stop to them once and for all. Swinging like a tire that’s hanging from a tree. Finally being able to find some sense of peace with myself and putting an end to this thousand year war that’s been going on. A war that only ends one way. A war that only has one player but multiple enemies. Ones that come in the form of powder but the deadliest one is the one that whispers sweet nothings to me at night. So which side will I take in this war, which alliance will I stay loyal to knowing that only in the morning will I be set free from this bondage of despair that holds me down at every turn. Like a fly trapped in a spiders web knowing that the harder he struggles the more he will be in tangled. The same way life intangles everyone, trapped at birth never allowed freedom from these self made chain. A prison made for one, a box made for one, but a revivor made for 6.