Hi… So… Uh… Well, maybe it’s not really related to suicide at all but… Have any of you ever, like, unconsciously forcing yourself to be sad? To be hated? To be… You know. Kind of suicidal? Cause I surely have. I guess.
Oh boi. How do I even start this. I don’t really know exactly when did this starts but… I mean, I’m not depressed or anything like that! Seriously, I’m normal and healthy af. But for some reason, lately I’ve been trying hard to hurt myself, I’ve been trying to suck all the negative emotion inside me, I’ve been trying to make everyone happy but it never works so I always ended up alone in a dark room crying for no reason. I’m not sad, and I’m afraid of death, but I keep forcing myself to wanting to commit suicide and shit. I keep getting paranoid thinking that I might am depressed but online test always says nope, I’m not. I keep preparing things thay would be usefull for commiting suicide but never actually done that. Heck, its not even only about suicide! Since a couple of years ago I’ve been forcing fcked up shit into my brain and forcing myself to be as sadistic as possible, I’ve been trying to convince myself unconsciously that it would’ve been a great idea to start committing a massacre in my school, to slit open someone’s throat etc etc. I’ve been forcing my brain to eat up horrible things. I almost killed my best friend, almost raped my classmate, almost committed suicide, almost poisoned my teacher…
And by that, I mean, it could be that I was just sitting, chilling, reading a book, and the next second suddenly I’m ready to strike down the person besides me with a pocket knife for no reason or thinking about the best way to die in the most painful way. I’m not sad, I’m happy all the time! I’m just… Idk. I really don’t have any reason to do this. I don’t have a solid reason to die, nor do I have a good reason to kill a random peeps. Yet something…. Something… Deep inside…. It’s… Unexplainable… Its like a mixed feeling. Its confusing, weird, and making me want to puke. At times when I’m having thoughts about suicide, I always am the one who actually is cheering my own self up, that life wasn’t actually that bad and I could do better. But then it felt like… Everytime I cheered myself, I feel even more and more suicidal. The same goes when I’m on sadistic mode. I’m disgusted at my own self, I just want to die, yet it just makes me even more and more excited. But tbh, I’m not sure.
I could be just seeking for attention, right? I’m just one of those attention whores. That’s why I keep bragging about my suicidal and sadistic thoughts on the internet etc. Am I even happy? Why am I happy with all of these weird shit happening? Why am I even writing this? Am I sad? Am I angry? Am I paranoid? Am I just being a *****? Am I even being honest with myself? The answer is Idk. Why did I even exist on the first place? What is my existence for? What is real and what is not? What is my emotion? Who am I even? Why am I like this? What am I really doing? Am I lying or did I actually said the truth? Do I actually enjoy people’s suffering? Do I actually am suicidal? Am I just bitching around for no reason? Am I joking about this whole thing? What do I feel about this? Am I actually lying to my own self? Why?
This might looked like a shit post to most of you, but I do actually felt like I’m slowly losing my mind a little bit there.
Oh and btw yes my friends are all bitches and dicks that wants me dead, and my parents are ignorant fucks that only cares for my accomplishment and reputation but my mom does looked kinda depressed because of the divorce rotffl aaah so many responsibilities I have to take and I’m soo scared to continue life
2 comments
Hi there Leafa!
First of all I want to tell to u that our brain is a straight up *****.It keeps tellin us stupid shit that we don’t need and will constantly try to bring you down. So don’t worry,you’re nt the only one experiencing that kinda thoughts nd ideation.And please,you’re not an attention seekee.No one wants depression and the one who has really dealt with depression knws that it is a deeep deeep hole which seems like eternity to climb out of.So sharing ur suicidal thoughts and feelings to others actually reduces that “extra stress” at the back of ur mind and more over thats y this site was created.
I feel like mayb u might hav been disturbd by ur parents divorce or mayb the things happening at school. Nothing lasts forever,not evn ur pain.So pleass hold on Leafa….We love youuu !!
Hello Leafa, it’s nice to meet you.
I think everyone has dark thoughts sometimes. Like when you’re standing near a cliff with someone and you’re both so close to the edge. You think about how easy it would be to just, push them. But you have to remind yourself that everyone is beautiful. Even the people I’ve hated the most, I still manage to see good things about them.
It doesn’t matter if you’re suicidal or depressed. Saying that is just labeling yourself. You’re human with emotions. I believe that 95 percent of all people have thought of suicide and have felt depression before. And there’s usually never a clear reason why. We just suddenly, feel a wave of this feeling. This emptiness that nothing matters. That nothing you do is worth anything. And I think it’s normal to feel this. Just remember that this emotion comes and goes.
I’m sorry your family and friends aren’t the best. Sometimes you need to look really hard for friends in places you never thought you’d find them. I was in a piano class in high school and that’s where I met some really awesome people. I never met friends I’m my math classes or science or even art. So you just have to keep looking I guess.
Basically I’m telling you to ditch your current friends and find better ones!
Unfortunately you can’t do that with your family as easily.. but if you’re over 18, which I’m assuming you’re not because you mentioned school, you can leave your family too. You can go anywhere you want really. Your life is yours.
The best thing that helps me with depression, although it isn’t exactly healthy, is distractions. Television, video games, hobbies, videos… it’s hard to be depressed when your thoughts are filled with these things instead.