Such a coward

I made it through another day at work. Its getting harder and harder to fake it. Harder and harder to be around anyone in general. They know. I cant shut the thoughts off. The meds arent working. Reached out to an old therapist to see if she would see me. Havent heard from her. Its been over 48 hours. If everyday, and if every second of everyday, is consumed of thoughts about how to destroy myself, why am i so afraid to try. I will not ‘attempt’ at this. I will succeed. When will the fear of failure go away?