What do I type?

I’m not sure. What is it that I want. I can’t tell anymore. I’m scared. There is only so much that can be done. I’m trying to calm myself down, but I don’t think that’s working. I keep going between wanting silence and noise. Everything seems so disturbing. Is anyone there? I can’t put my thoughts into words anymore. It seems like it is dragging. Can’t tell what it is doing anymore. Why do I keep going? The medicine doesn’t work? I’m not sure. Why. It seems long and unwanted. I’ve lost interest in it all. This time feels different. It feels real. Like that’s it. No more. I’ve been waiting for that to come. Always think that it will, but I somehow get away. Where do you think we go when it is all said and done? Do you think it’s any better? I can feel it on me. Like a coat of dust that won’t rub off. It is something I think in the air. Or something that we can hear that no one else can. Like a throbbing beat in the back of my head. Do I say anything? Anything at all. I can feel it on my skin. In the back of my throat. Utter nonsense. That’s what this is. I can’t feel that in my toes anymore. Gives me a sick sensation in my stomach. I can hear it. I think. I never load at the screen when I’m typing. Never.