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When will it ever stop.

by falling_soup

I hate how I can never just feel okay. I hate how I get so depressed I just block everyone out because I do not want to feel like I am a burden or some pest. I hate how I bottle everything up but yet if there is someone I trust I spill out everything too and then they use it to take advantage or they get scared or just unable to be in my life because I have so much baggage. Well do not worry my dear friends because I hate myself. I hate all the extra bull shit I carry around and feel like it is never going to get better, that I am always going to be like this. I hate how I can just be sad for all these years, attempt suicide on so many occasions and then you know just get put in a hospital, and then out again. It’s been over a year since I last tried, but do not worry, I will toss myself out like garbage soon enough. After I was raped and for months with the police mishandling the case, the nightmares, the shitty doctors, I have had enough. I do not care to deal with this anymore. I hate how I feel all the time and how I think I can just somehow stand up to this and be okay. IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN I AM A PERMANENT FUCK UP. All the times I try to get over myself and move forward, I lately have been doing this thing where I think about people I have dated before I was raped and how boy crazy I was and how everything was so stupid and care free. I like to think about how it was when I was thin and pretty, even though when I look back how much I HATED how I looked but still always had a man and friends and I was okay with shit when I was not cutting or fighting with my mom or being stupid.

 

 

I hate how I try and  cope, coping with depression is a battle only those who suffer understand, it is the constant uphill battle. I have been a user of this site for 6 years and it is my safe haven. I have hated the reasons why I first joined this site but I have never been more grateful for finding it

 

if you are reading this far, thanks for reading.

 

Soup

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2 comments

khajiit 4/17/2018 - 8:18 pm

My heart goes out to you Soup. I’ve always felt a certain kinship to you due to being the same age and being on SP for the same amount of time. Interesting how our lives met at the same point then branched out so differently. Honestly hope the best for you.

falling_soup 4/18/2018 - 4:33 pm

thank you. at times I am doing so well. I mean in basic terms of basic needs I am fine. I am doing okay and should be in that front. it is how fucked up my head is that I feel so trapped in this mental block

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