When will it ever stop.

I hate how I can never just feel okay. I hate how I get so depressed I just block everyone out because I do not want to feel like I am a burden or some pest. I hate how I bottle everything up but yet if there is someone I trust I spill out everything too and then they use it to take advantage or they get scared or just unable to be in my life because I have so much baggage. Well do not worry my dear friends because I hate myself. I hate all the extra bull shit I carry around and feel like it is never going to get better, that I am always going to be like this. I hate how I can just be sad for all these years, attempt suicide on so many occasions and then you know just get put in a hospital, and then out again. It’s been over a year since I last tried, but do not worry, I will toss myself out like garbage soon enough. After I was raped and for months with the police mishandling the case, the nightmares, the shitty doctors, I have had enough. I do not care to deal with this anymore. I hate how I feel all the time and how I think I can just somehow stand up to this and be okay. IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN I AM A PERMANENT FUCK UP. All the times I try to get over myself and move forward, I lately have been doing this thing where I think about people I have dated before I was raped and how boy crazy I was and how everything was so stupid and care free. I like to think about how it was when I was thin and pretty, even though when I look back how much I HATED how I looked but still always had a man and friends and I was okay with shit when I was not cutting or fighting with my mom or being stupid.

I hate how I try and  cope, coping with depression is a battle only those who suffer understand, it is the constant uphill battle. I have been a user of this site for 6 years and it is my safe haven. I have hated the reasons why I first joined this site but I have never been more grateful for finding it

if you are reading this far, thanks for reading.

Soup