Waiting for fate to kill me

Im so sick of feeling this sad sunken feeling in my chest. The past year and a half ive gotten no break from it. I honestly hope if it wont get better and if theres some god out there he’ll kill me. Before I kill myself. I’m getting less scared  to die every day I think I’m almost ready for it, waiting maybe. I can give my parents all the money I have to pay for the funeral and I can be done feeling this way. Its so tiring. I’m so fucking nice and caring to everyone. I’m constantly putting myself in others shoes before opening my mouth. Before I make plans. Even though I feel like actual death. But yet somehow fate or karma or “god” doesn’t give a shit. Its all fucking lies  because to this day here I am still being taken advantage of therefore leaving me with no one in my life. I’m convinced college wont be better. At one point last year I was honestly convinced otherwise but then it sounded like a joke in my head after a while like ‘yeah things will definitely be different at college okay whatever you have to tell yourself but no worries you’ll find out’. I’m fucking done giving a shit about anything its all pointless. I have no one, I’m going no where, and I’m constantly fucking sad with no one in my life who even knows or would give a shit. I cant sleep and I cant stop replaying all these heart breaking moments in my head. I really wish I was fucking dead already