avoidant->suicidal->enraged->active->

I’ve been going in and out of this cycle for years.
My story goes like this:

I’ve been abused for as long as I remember.
Since third grade, I started skipping school. I showed early signs of psychosis then.
After that, I was a bully. I was sure my classmates were after me, and I would retaliate by bullying others.
One day, I realized what I was doing, and that, in addition of being abused, it made me dissociate from myself.
But later, I was abusive again. I hurt one person I now deeply love. I was forgiven, but I can’t forgive myself.
I tried overdosing soon after it. It just didn’t work. And that’s when my attempts started.

I’ve tried drowning myself once, when I got high on prescription drugs. Except I stopped shortly before the last step, and I don’t know why.
I’ve tried hanging myself. But every time I failed. I was very angry with myself. I was still conscious. Later on, a part of me, angry that I’d do such a stupid thing, would stop it.

I don’t think I’ll try to kill myself again soon. I suppose it’s a good thing, but I just feel hopeless and numb.

I am trusted, but it feels like I’m lying to people. They don’t know what I’ve done, or how I deserve to die because of it. I want to die. A part of me thinks it’s a extreme way of thinking, but you know what? I don’t. Like mine, all abusers deserve to die. I’m no exception.
The problem is, they (including me) were good people sometimes.

Which is where I am right now. I’m simultaneously a piece of shit and a good person. I can’t wrap my head around that.

I guess the solution to my problem is to forgive them, and forgive myself too. It feels wrong, though.