Dont want to see another day

4 months of being reminded nonstop that life is now for suffering not for living. Will not hesitate to overdose when I have the drugs. I’ll get coked up, tripping, stoned and drunk for as long as I can and then overdose on more drugs when Im coming down, give the death a running start. Really cant measure my suffering since february, not had a moments rest, got lobotomized by antipsychotics injections, life is unrecognizable and unbearable.

Was told by a couple people I was the best happiest or most intelligent person they knew, now I’m the most fucked up person i know, my dream life that took 17 years to persevere for instantly  turned into a nightmare I never could imagine, just as I got within reach of my music and art dreams.

So much pain i constantly find myself going back in time trying to change the past, completely unable to look forward, that part of the brain has been shut down, constant impossible unrest that can’t be reasoned with, I went from sane calm to a full on psychiatric rocking patient after a starting dose of injection to cure a non existent psychosis.

Can’t stop thinking about the wrong decisions I made by not challenging them and I find myself mouthing the words I would have said to get myself out of that hell hole psych ward, it seems so obvious now what I should have said and done, I ruminate non-stop I’m having to stop writing to do it. I was wrongly held and had my human rights taken forever. I worked as a programmer doing animations user interfaces and complex apps, all that is now out of the question, I can’t do basic things like get out the bath without a mental struggle, the simplest tasks hurt my soul so i lay in bed repeating shit in my mind, getting comfort from trying to set things right how they should have played out and then jolted back to the painful present. This happens in my dreams too, and I wake up with the most piercing headache and crushing depression, the word “No” echoes from disbelief of how bad I feel before my eyes have opened and my inability to take pleasure from sleep and how hard my dreams always are, waking with no sense of relief that it was just a dream, the reality is always far worse.

I’m so angry that for the first time I feel killing myself would be a cop out, but I can’t get revenge and end up in jail, the only revenge I’d want is to inject the doctor back. Again non-stop repeating memories hitting a dead end over and over again, locked in the worst situation and resorting to fantasy to escape the horror.

I’ve let my girlfriend go because of this. Just another thing to add to the list. Died a thousand times already, tears pour out my wide open eyes like a tap while nothing I worked on progresses forward, this is every day lately a few times a day, I only ever cried for others. I’ve got nothing left except my hope for getting the drugs for a painless successful suicide and for the doctors to be blamed. I’ve imagined so much grief and change of fortune and I happen to be the one writing it about myself, fuck this life.