I’m sitting here tonight no expression giving away my true feelings. Inside my head I’m screaming so loud at myself that it drowns out everything else. Screaming to just disappear. It’s what everyone must want. They have to want me gone, to have one less annoying person to have to pretend to care about. I scream even in my sleep, I’ve woken myself up screaming, I guess sometimes it builds up and needs to get out. I just say “I had a nightmare” I AM THE NIGHTMARE.
I’ve never fit in…anywhere…ever. I don’t even fit in with my own family so I moved away thinking if I can find my own “family” that will accept me I would be ok. I missed 10+ years with the only person I truly loved and now they are gone forever.
I can’t explain it but I have always felt like I could see the deeper meaning behind people’s intentions. No one is genuine. There are always conditions. Even with parents there are conditions. “What can you do for me? If I help you how does it benefit me? What do I get out this?” I feel so foolish for being a person that tries to make people feel special/happy/cherished even for a brief moment just to simply make someone else not feel negative. I know that doesn’t make sense…I don’t ask/expect ANYTHING in return. And because of that I am completely and utterly all used up and empty. I have no hopes, dreams, aspirations anymore I just live each day hoping it all just ends. Maybe tomorrow will be my day.
8 comments
I’m thinking soon for me too.
Probably should had been yesterday for me.
You’re lucky that I can’t simply Google “What is the address of the 32 year old Male on The Suicide Project that goes by the user name @definitelyworried ?”, as I’m half tempted to follow you around like the worlds most annoying positive shadow until you snap out of it… because shaking sense into people, I’ve been told, is illegal.
As that isn’t a realistic possibility… I can not. I can; however, express myself in a silly, yet serious, way in effort to do it over the internet, lol.
As always, Remain Blessed. -Kev
Death is not the only answer to the things you have stated. There are many choices that you have to change the direction in life which you have found yourself to be in.
For instance you can:
•Move somewhere new/different.
•Distance and/or disassociate with the people in your lives which you feel are being disingenuous and/or inconvenienced by your presence.
•Find local resources where you can meet and talk with others that think and feel the same way you do in effort to solidify the fact that you are not alone around people that genuinely wish to connect with you.
•Find a creative outlet that will allow you to express yourself in a positive way (such as writing, painting, music, etc.) to allow the things you are feeling to go free, and that way you won’t feel as though you are inconveniencing anyone with the things you’ve bottled up inside
•Scream. Yes… just scream. If that’s how you feel do it. Why not? Walk out the front door and just let it out.
Anyway, that’s just a few suggestions for ya’ in an endless world of possibilities. I sincerely hope that you find an outlet that works best for you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
Remain Blessed. -Kev
I’ve moved numerous times more than 15 in as many years. Thus “distancing myself from everyone I’ve ever known. You said in other posts you deal with depression so you must understand how “finding local resources” is not a likely option. One that feels tension and fear and disgust and annoyance from ever single human being will not go out and look for people to be around. Along with not wanting to be around people, the ambition or motivation to be or do anything creative feels most days to be an insurmountable task.
I do appreciate your thoughts on the matter and it seems with all the helpful advice you give out on SP you must be doing so much better and are one of the lucky ones. For me, this is just one more person telling me, it’s not that bad. Just get over it. Only you can change your circumstances. Like it’s just a switch I have to WANT flip off. I’ve been this way since I was very very young. If I could have flipped that switch and had the life I thought everyone else was having I would have done it a long time ago.
On the contrary. It is that bad, and it is not something that happened overnight, so I’m not so disillusioned as to suggest to someone to ‘just get over’ something that took time to create.
Additionally, based on what you have stated:
•I’ll concede my thoughts on moving, and distancing yourself; albeit temporarily so.
•As far as the Local Resource & Creative Outlet suggestions go. – That I can totally understand; however, I never said that you’d want too, or that it would in any way be convenient, comfortable, or easy. It will; however, help. You say that you don’t want to be around people… then what are you depressed about? From the way you’ve made it seem you do feel alone, so based on that logic you should also be happy. This is how I know your logic is flawed, and why it is important for you to be around people. Especially those people which you can find a common connection. The same logic can be used with regards to the Creative Outlet.
If you were to know only one thing about me it should probably be the fact that I do not use my time to do things simply because it would seem as though I’m obligated (or trying) to ‘do the right thing’. – I don’t need to be on this site, and I surely do not need to use my time by telling people something that I feel they already know. I could simply not be here, not read what you have to say, and even if I did that doesn’t mean I’d be compelled to respond to it. — I responded to you because I wanted to. Because I did read what you had to say. Because I wanted to offer you individualized insight which I thought would help. Because I chose to care, and not because I had too. That is why. Don’t think otherwise.
As always, Remain Blessed. -Kev
You’re right, I’m wrong. You win.
@anonydeath
If you were responding to me…
Everything & Nothing are simultaneously symbiotic and mutually exclusive; therefore, nothing can be everything, nor can everything simply nothing. That being said… I can not be right, nor can you be wrong. We are both… together… Standing Side by side as the perfectly flawed human beings we are.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Remain Blessed. -Kev