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How long as it been?

by Snowy

It’s been so long since I felt the need to write here, so long since I failed at leaving this mortal coil. The voices of all of those who loved me pushing me to stay and now several months later I arrive back at the cliff wanting to jump in. Still stuck to this verbally abusive asshole. Why can’t I just leave why do I feel so tied down to him. He has sucked every color out of my soul, I am just a ugly grey shell of what I used to be. Everything is a fight, everything a struggle. The gun in our closet calls out to me, beckonimg me to hold it closely. Can I manage to do it right when he says I do everything wrong, would I fuck this up like our life. If I died in his house would I be stuck here regretting my decisions. Would my mom survive, would there be more blood on my hands? Could my dogs learn to live without me, could this asshole learn to care for someone else other than himself? Surly not, the gun must go back, the pain and hurt he has caused must be swallowed down again. Everything is my fault, words no longer hold meaning I must apologize with actions. I don’t feel the same in my heart, I know our love is cold so why can I leave. Him? He’ll be alone, alone to struggle in a world he’s never had to navigate alone. Can I do that to him? Can I watch him break down and become destitute? No I must stay, I must endure this pain. No one else should have to deal with the hurt he causes me, no one else should have to be treated like this. I can’t let him hurt anyone else, so here I stay forever frozen in my small patch of hell on earth. U till I can no longer hold it in and need to release the pain, I bid you goodnight and wish you every happiness.

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3 comments

freeroma 6/3/2018 - 12:17 am

not wanting him to hurt anyone else is a crap reason to stay. a reality check of having no one around to bully isn’t going to ruin him, and I’ve said along those lines before.

millionth 6/4/2018 - 6:00 am

1. You write so beautifully with such expression, I love it.
2. You deserve better. Don’t stay with him just because of “what ifs,” your situation is actually happening and it’s miserable. Think about whats best for YOU instead of forcing yourself into a life desolation for some imaginary other. Put yourself first, and screw him and how it may or may not affect him. Because he’ll more than likely be ok, but you definitely aren’t and won’t be if you stay.

Snowy 6/8/2018 - 12:17 am

Thank you for your replies, I truly appreciate it. As for leaving I can’t I burned to many bridges for this guy and don’t have much to turn to. 2

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