How long as it been?

It’s been so long since I felt the need to write here, so long since I failed at leaving this mortal coil. The voices of all of those who loved me pushing me to stay and now several months later I arrive back at the cliff wanting to jump in. Still stuck to this verbally abusive asshole. Why can’t I just leave why do I feel so tied down to him. He has sucked every color out of my soul, I am just a ugly grey shell of what I used to be. Everything is a fight, everything a struggle. The gun in our closet calls out to me, beckonimg me to hold it closely. Can I manage to do it right when he says I do everything wrong, would I fuck this up like our life. If I died in his house would I be stuck here regretting my decisions. Would my mom survive, would there be more blood on my hands? Could my dogs learn to live without me, could this asshole learn to care for someone else other than himself? Surly not, the gun must go back, the pain and hurt he has caused must be swallowed down again. Everything is my fault, words no longer hold meaning I must apologize with actions. I don’t feel the same in my heart, I know our love is cold so why can I leave. Him? He’ll be alone, alone to struggle in a world he’s never had to navigate alone. Can I do that to him? Can I watch him break down and become destitute? No I must stay, I must endure this pain. No one else should have to deal with the hurt he causes me, no one else should have to be treated like this. I can’t let him hurt anyone else, so here I stay forever frozen in my small patch of hell on earth. U till I can no longer hold it in and need to release the pain, I bid you goodnight and wish you every happiness.