No Shame

Its been a rather stressful few weeks, but Ive just learned to become indifferent to the stress. Im not sure if thats just doing more harm at this point, but Im sure that I dont care. I got in a blowout argument with my boyfriend, the one person I have to get me through the rough patch that is currently my life. He knew damn well not to yell at me, but he did it anyways. He knew about my past, and my PTSD from my father abusing me for years. Whenever someone reaches that tone with me, I just immediately shut down, and it brings me back to a time where screaming was a normal way to carry a conversation for my father. In short, I turn into a terrified, passive, and depressed mess, and any sliver of happiness or self confidence shrinks away.

Thanks, Dad

Anyways, the argument was about money. I have a severely infected tooth/teeth that is making me sicker and sicker, and my boyfriend is wanting to foot the bill for the extensive dental work,despite not actually being in a good financial place to do so. Morally I hate taking handouts and borrowing money, or even letting people spend money on me, but thats really besides the point in this case. The truth is, I feel I deserve all the physical pain Im experiencing, and that I hope that this bad tooth infection ends up killing me. Ive wanted to die for awhile, but I havent had the courage to carry out with any of my intricate suicide methods. This way, I just have to wait for the infection to reach my blood and then its no longer my problem. Its been infected for a couple months now, so its just a matter of time. I just have to be a little more patient. His one way shouting match with me just felt like the nail in the coffin for me.

Here’s hoping its not too much longer now. This toothache is pissing me off.