July 22nd, 2018 by raperapelemonade

Even though we cant talk to each other directly here. I feel safe here. I feel in the silence, a comradery.

I love reading the stuggles the goodbyes because i can relate so much to these entries and i just have nothing but love for you.

Even if you are a judge of me, i can relate and I’m grateful. Whatever comes… I’m just grateful for this silent hive where our honey is our words about our bloody battles of life, death, trauma, pain more than anyone else in the real world could ever handle. We can speak it here in complete truth and honesty without fear.

I’m choosing to document my suicidality here, as old as i am, rather than writing in composite notebooks and burning them.

A lot good those notebooks did for the last 17yrs. What if like, the things I’ve read here, by putting it out to dry here…maybe it can give someone some light maybe some peace? Egotistical…

Today i chose to buy some recreational drugs and write my best friend a letter listing my red flags. Basically fucking myself over and dampening my exit options. I analyze though, the fact ive always known is admitting that i dont truly want to die. I’m not that committed to my goodbye anymore. (Which intensity fucking shifts and changes of course, you can relate I’m sure) i just want to pain to end. I want to be loved and happy before i die. I want the nightmares to stop. The phantom pain in my vagina to stop preventing me from dating. I want justice that i know i wont get so then i want to forgive but how? I refuse to go to a fucking counselor god they’re fucking useless pieces of shit or sociopaths.

I just want the darkness to end. Maybe i will finally have to try again when the Universe guides me to in order to end it. I dont fucking know. Today i chose to live. Might be out of a job calling in so much lately but fuck it. I chose to live today hopefully it means something good for something in some dimension..

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