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Even though we cant talk to each other directly here. I feel safe here. I feel in the silence, a comradery.

I love reading the stuggles the goodbyes because i can relate so much to these entries and i just have nothing but love for you.

Even if you are a judge of me, i can relate and I’m grateful. Whatever comes… I’m just grateful for this silent hive where our honey is our words about our bloody battles of life, death, trauma, pain more than anyone else in the real world could ever handle. We can speak it here in complete truth and honesty without fear.

I’m choosing to document my suicidality here, as old as i am, rather than writing in composite notebooks and burning them.

A lot good those notebooks did for the last 17yrs. What if like, the things I’ve read here, by putting it out to dry here…maybe it can give someone some light maybe some peace? Egotistical…

Today i chose to buy some recreational drugs and write my best friend a letter listing my red flags. Basically fucking myself over and dampening my exit options. I analyze though, the fact ive always known is admitting that i dont truly want to die. I’m not that committed to my goodbye anymore. (Which intensity fucking shifts and changes of course, you can relate I’m sure) i just want to pain to end. I want to be loved and happy before i die. I want the nightmares to stop. The phantom pain in my vagina to stop preventing me from dating. I want justice that i know i wont get so then i want to forgive but how? I refuse to go to a fucking counselor god they’re fucking useless pieces of shit or sociopaths.

I just want the darkness to end. Maybe i will finally have to try again when the Universe guides me to in order to end it. I dont fucking know. Today i chose to live. Might be out of a job calling in so much lately but fuck it. I chose to live today hopefully it means something good for something in some dimension..

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Rainwatch 7/22/2018 - 6:42 am

I won’t or don’t judge you, nor do I think you would judge me. I feel safe here too, like I can be totally honest

raperapelemonade 7/28/2018 - 9:13 am

If only there was a blindfolded group therapy somewhere right?

EmptyPluto 7/22/2018 - 1:52 pm

Love. It is in the speaker, somewhere.

a1957 7/22/2018 - 2:45 pm

Like you, what happened to me should never have happened either. Which led me to believe that I should have never happened. So I wanted to go home. I tried to go and fucked it up. Now I am trying to stay for as long as staying is humane, which it usually is now.

Hey if anyone here judges you all you gotta do is click the x in the box right under their username, if you want to that is.

a1957 7/22/2018 - 3:17 pm

This was for raperapelemonade. I meant to Comment ratter than Reply. But hey, hello EmtpyPluto.

EmptyPluto 7/22/2018 - 3:44 pm

Hello, a1957. How is the sun on your side of the world today?

a1957 7/22/2018 - 3:59 pm

It’s pretty quiet right now but on Tuesday there is a 65% chance of a big old solar wind coming our way. It would great to be in Norway Tuesday night where the Northern Lights should be amazing. Sigh…

EmptyPluto 7/22/2018 - 4:24 pm

The sun here has recently been clouded by wildfires. It inhales the harmful smoke and exhales living colors. The sun is quite the giver.

a1957 7/22/2018 - 5:45 pm

And it doesn’t deny that it inhaled either. I like that.

EmptyPluto 7/22/2018 - 8:08 pm

The sun always goes with the flow.

raperapelemonade 7/28/2018 - 9:24 am

Yeah I feel that heavy. I felt like the Universe wanted me to end my life because I always had this line in the mental sand that I’d only kill myself if I was ever raped again…talk about learning the power of our own mental manifestations the hard way. Haha when I woke up in the hospital screaming at the nurses “I should have the right to die!” And all the fuck yous to those poor staff, this cartoonish type stereotypical empty eye dead soul doctor asks me if I’ve ever had electroshock treatment and I shut right the fuck up hahaha oh man the Universe is a strange thing. I live in hope for hopes sake, that’s it. All I have left I hope its enough to get me to a better place but fuck me doesn’t it suck when things happen in life you can’t control? That’s a big hard lesson for me to let go of “God grant me the serenity” eh? Haha

raperapelemonade 7/28/2018 - 9:17 am

And god is in the radio hopefully haha

buzzedloser 7/23/2018 - 8:42 pm

Your words are so beautiful and pour out so smoothly. <3
I want to know that you've found a way to heal. I want you to try to go to counseling. You're a wonderful woman who deserves it.

raperapelemonade 7/28/2018 - 9:17 am

Thank you truly. Maybe someday when they allow more MDMA therapy and the psychotherapist doses with you haha. For now I can barely speak it to my one person support system. I’m old and cynical right now. Maybe when I’m 31 I’ll feel less old depending on what the tide brings in. Cheers to hoping for hope’s sake.

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