‘The Me Show’

to start: I’m an alphabet soup of disorders. Three of those are bipolar, borderline tendencies (whatever the hell that means), and Asperger syndrome.

My closest support is my partner who is also financially tied to me. And I even feel her slipping through my fingers and this turning into an uncomfortable situation where we only live together because we can’t afford to live without any kind of plan which we currently don’t have and can’t foresee.

I mean. I can easily leave in a month’s time because my mother passed this June and has apparently left me a hefty inheritance. But my partner can’t. She is on disability and we are living in an overpriced apartment that got her out of a battered women’s shelter with her and her then-6 year old daughter. If I leave, then she most likely will return to that shelter, with CPS taking her daughter away as is apparently part of some legal account. I can’t do that to them.

I try my best to keep all of my emotions inside to hide her from my pain but it always invariably comes out in the wrong ways at the wrong times. And then she tells me about how when she tries to talk to me about what I’m feeling, I won’t talk – then when she is hanging out with a friend or trying to spend time with her daughter, it comes out, because I feel alone and it’s like this resentment comes out as if she somehow owes me that time which I know is wrong. Then she tells me it’s “all about you” and “oh look, it’s the ‘me show’ now” and that “negative attention is better than no attention, I suppose.” And I suppose that she is probably right – I hold back when she’s with me and then act out when she’s not, in some deep-seated attempt to do anything not to be alone. Is that even “tendencies” anymore, or is it just full on Borderline? Because that sounds and feels an awful lot like it.

Today we got into another such fight and something in me just snapped. I can’t do this to her and her daughter anymore. She’s not the first person I’ve disappointed like this. She wouldn’t be the first person to whom I’ve been financially codependent even as tensions were running high and the love was gone. And that’s also the fucker of it – I’m so in love with her I can’t stand it. Meanwhile, I feel her love slipping away.

My mother was the last person responsible for raising me and I was the only one in the room with her when she died. I don’t want this fucking money. I want it to go to the woman I love so that I can go knowing that it won’t leave her high and dry. But I’m just so desperate to end it right now. I’m so deep in this abyss. I just feel totally done and I can’t maintain hope anymore. I’ve tried so many therapists and so many rx combinations for over twenty years and this shit just keeps on happening. I just want it to be in my control what I do with my life, even if that means surrendering it, but I don’t want to do so without taking responsibility over the mess that it could create.