Afraid (Hi again, the suicide project)

Hey guys, I’m back.

I’m not sure if the people I knew are still here, but I really hope they are. You are all wonderful persons.

2016 was a rough year for me. 2017 didn’t improve much.

I’ve attempted suicide around 8 times, most of my attempts this year. Several injuries, failed tests, some crappy teachers, social media, and my dad. All of these have contributed to my shitty health.

I’ve gotten injured 4 times within 12 months. The fractures were the worst. I went to the beach and I would cry myself to sleep every night from that point until my mom found out I was suicidal. It was moments after I decided not to hang myself, even though I was already in the position, that my mom came into my room. It made me feel a bit relieved, but just for a while because I’d break a bone again soon.

My arm had to be put into a cast for my finger to heal properly. Man, all for a finger. I must be very unlucky. It didn’t help that this teacher I hated so much would make fun of it and since he taught programming classes and I couldn’t type well and had missed a lot of classes (due to me meeting the surgeon for my finger), he caught me copying once and decided to yell to the whole class about it. It was my birthday and I just felt so…shitty. I’ve been crying (out of despair) on my birthday for about 3 years now. I thought I wouldn’t cry that day but no. No. I wept silently in class, as the rest of my classmates went on typing their codes. I just wanted to die.

A bit later, I started to cut myself on my thighs. Luckily, I don’t do that anymore. I’d cut myself every time someone expressed disappointment in me. I even cut myself in public and someone took my scissors away from me. My mom did the same as I had lots of scissors at home.

A teacher that I respect a lot and I am close to told me to get help, which I agreed to. My mom was reluctant at first, but she agreed eventually. Fast forward to today, and I guess things are getting better.

I’m taking medication and meeting a psychiatrist and a psychologist. They’re very nice and helpful.

I’m also in a relationship right now. My boyfriend’s helping me recover and is a very nice and sweet guy.

I’m just… afraid right now. School’s going to start soon and I’m going to see all the negativity from various people. In fact, negativity was the reason why I decided to go on hiatus on Twitter and Instagram. I kept comparing myself to other artists on Instagram, including one person, who was a beginner, that became an expert within a year. A year. Faster than me. I’m so slow, I hate it so much. I’m forced to work fast in group works but I know I can’t finish work spontaneously because I need time to process things and I want my work to be perfect.

Back to the artist, I was the one who encouraged him to do art and now he’s…doing what I can’t do. I should be happy for him, but the feelings of dread overpower it. I’ve unfollowed/muted him on social media and well, what a turn of events. There are so many people I follow online who can make art so quickly and I hate hate hate how I’m 10x slower than them.

Aside from social media causing my massive art block, Twitter’s been highly toxic lately. Stan culture has been cultivating a kind of trend where people keep being overly dramatic and looking for “tea” (gossip/rumors/insults that they perceive as sassy, but it’s really just rude). I fucking hate it so much and it doesn’t help the majority of my friends are into this stupid stan culture. I hate drama so much. It always makes me feel like shit for some reason. Call out culture is also pretty toxic. I feel it can actually make someone do worse things and trigger suicide in some people because of the way they try to correct someone is rude and negative. Imagine someone calling you out in public for forgetting to pay something on time because it causes inconvenience. Not very pleasant, right? It’s like the other party just wants attention to help them drag you down into the deepest parts of hell.

Anyway, I guess I’m on the road to recovery and I will try my best to be strong this year. I hope you guys too will improve.

Thanks. 🙂