Does it even matter

Does it even matter anymore? honestly it never did.

I tried so hard and so hard to die but each attempt failed leaving me here. So many years wasted.

How much more shame can i build up.

I thought maybe appreciating the small things in life would lead me to a happier life. after every failed jump and drowning and overdose. After bleeding out and forced into therapy for years and years at a time. I still feel so empty inside. Nothing has helped. I just want to die but even that has proven to be useless.

So I thought dying in a different way would be more effective.

More and more I threw parts of myself away uselessly to pass the time.

I’ve gone blind, it feels, and anything is fine now.

Chatting my evenings away, filling up my time to the point i cant feel or think for myself, i decided to kill myself in a different way, as weird as that might sound. I’ll talk and chat and move about until i cant even think anymore until the voices of other people drown out my thoughts. its been working even if all i do is play pretend. Why do I even try, going to so many events, gaining more phone numbers and people in my life, talking and changing myself to charm others with my looks and words. they leave and enter so  seamlessly, I don’t care. They never mattered anyway. Is this what others really wanted in life?

I don’t feel bad for using them to fill my time but at the same time i do.  I hate this. Its so unfulfilling, just go away. go away forever and die.

Even if I gained popularity so many years after highschool its so unfulfilling. I’ve cut so many people out of my life and left people behind because they weren’t enough, because I wasn’t enough for them. I guess I deserve to feel so empty now. piled up on my other traumas and things i can never talk about i cut people out and gain new relationships like tossing tissue paper and blowing my nose. I just want to die, why didn’t he kill me when he had the chance?

I’m sorry. Im so fuckin sorry. I’ve said so many things and done so many things but you never mattered to me anyway, I don’t know if i can keep this up. How many people have I hurt? How many times have I hurt them to hurt myself? Told them I could try to love them when i couldnt even handle loving myself. I hope they’ve found better people, better lovers and romances. Disgusting, narcissistic. I don’t know. are my thoughts even my own anymore.

How can people be envious of this. It’s disgusting. Calling me active, a social butterfly, extroverted and engaged. A party animal and the life of the party. It’s all a fucking lie. Fuck. No matter how close I get to people why can’t they see. Why do they never notice how close I am to crying again and again and again. I never wanted this. If i cant die then filling my life with noise is the best option but its still not enough. Recently after 3 months of extensive testing they said I suffered a number of things including hypomania. I guess thats my only relief in life even if it is a coping mechanism, every therapist I have gets too close to the truth that I get too frightened and leave. I don’t know.

I’ve built myself up to be a person who I’m not. it’s unhealthy and gross but it gets me through the day from day to day.  Idk I guess Anything is fine now.