Quick story from a few days ago

I’m a volunteer in another country, I won’t say the name of the country or the organization.

Anyway, I don’t want to even go into a a lot of detail leading up to this incident because it’d be a long post. If somebody wants to know more, they can message me.

Anyway, I was on a hike by myself up this large mountain. For the last month, I had been making plans to kill myself by jumping off of a cliff, a far away cliff during a farther away time. The hike I did that day, wasn’t part of the plan, but as I was nearing the top of the mountain, the thought popped up into my head, “Maybe you should just do it today.” I pushed it away, but the thought came back, “why not? It’s there, you’re here, just be done with it, get it over with.”

The hike was beautiful, I was alone, the sun was out, and I should have felt great, but I didn’t I felt fucking wretched. And so anyway, by the time I got to the top I was wondering what I would say to everybody. Would I leave a note, would I send quick voice messages to friends? I scoped around the top of the mountain and found the spot–sheer drop, many boulders on the bottom, no chance of survival. I backed away from it, keeping it there is a card in the deck.

And then I asked myself, out loud, “Do you deserve do die?”

The answer that came out of sputtering tears was, “no,” I don’t deserve to die.

I sat there on the rock with the wind and the sun and my tears, crying and not knowing what to do or where to go, but with time I moved off of the rock and went back down, the safe away.

At the bottom, I can’t tell you that I finally found catharsis, but in the next few days (like today) I started opening up to some close friends (and family!!! which is something I never do!!!)  of mine and allowed myself to be extremely vulnerable about things that were bothering me. Now, writing this, I don’t feel cured and I don’t feel fine, but I’m alive, and I’ve felt alive in the past and so I know that it’s possible to move forward and to keep looking and searching and trying, in an active, engaged, fully awake way, to figure it out. Two days ago, while maybe not as close or intense as other people, was the closest I, personally, have ever come to killing myself.

Once again, not a lot of detail in this post but I’d be happy to share if somebody wants to hear it.