I just fucked up today. I’m pretty sure I just ruined my relationship with my family. In all honesty, I hope they do hate me. I feel like I deserve it. Maybe this event will finally cement the idea that they raised a failure and they’ll just give up on me. So now, I’m writing this, as a way to publicly humiliate myself in a way that won’t make me a public nuisance. To tell everyone exactly what makes me such a piece of shit.
Honestly, I don’t know where to start. There’s so much wrong with me, putting into words how fucked up I am would probably take hours at the very least. I want to keep this as brief as possible, and I guess the best way to do that is list my problems one by one. Some of these are more “trivial” than others, and none are in any specific order.
1. I’m a coward.
I make plans and I have dreams but I’m too scared to actually attempt to achieve them. I tell myself I “need more time” or “need to hone my skills” but I know the truth. I’m just too chicken shit to go out and try it. I want to stand for something and state my ideals but I’m too scared of being judged. I’ve chickened out of ever suicide “attempt” I’ve ever done. I don’t even know if they could even be called attempts because they’re just so pathetic. Anyone who witnessed them would rightly assume I was just doing it for attention. I wish I at least had the guts to kill myself.
2. I can’t socialize for shit.
I’ve always been the quiet kid, which I guess is fine. But the problem is, when I do talk I’ve learned at an early age that I tend to overstay my welcome. I become clingy, chatty, annoying. Annoying is one of the worst things you can be. You can be quiet and still be lovable. You can even be wired and find other weird people to hang out with. But annoying is just a problem. Annoying equates to unlovable. So I can never relax around people. I over-analyze everything I say and I apologize profusely when I feel like I’m boring them or talking too much, which ironically annoys them more. It doesn’t help that I have high functioning autism, which distances myself from everyone even more. Forget being in a relationship. I’ve pretty much given up on that ever happening.
3. I’m too sensitive.
Everything everyone says, I take it to heart. Doesn’t matter if it only vaguely has to do with me, I take it as a personal attack. Most of the time I bottle it up inside. Keep my mouth shut. But I almost always end up crying or cutting afterwards. On the rare occasion I can’t conceal it, I get defensive and angry only making the situation worse. I hate that I’m such a crybaby. I guess the only bright side is that I’m a girl, and there’s not as much of a stigma against it as there is with guys. But my mom constantly chastises me against it, saying I’m too old to be crying like this. She’s probably right. I wish she had a daughter that wasn’t such an all-around failure like me.
4. I don’t fit in with anyone.
It doesn’t matter the kind of people, the ideology, or the political spectrum: I simply don’t belong. I’m what some people call an oreo. (I know that’s not the PC terminology, but fuck it. I’ll call myself whatever insults I want.) I’ve always felt ashamed of myself for talking and acting white, and I feel a distance between me and my family. I believe there is a god, but I realize that everyone has their own system of beliefs, and I really hate how the church sometimes diminishes that. And to be completely honest, I hate how both political spectrums take every opportunity to demonize the other. I don’t want to be a part of any of these things, but I want to be included and accepted. But pretending to agree and living a lie seem like hell. I’d much rather just off myself and be done with it all.
5. I’m a hypocrite.
I have no set personality. No inherent code. I’m just whatever people want me to be. I can be the polite choir girl at church or the sarcastic free spirit with other millennials my age, but I honestly don’t think I’m either. I lie to avoid having other people think less of me and to keep from not fitting in. I feel like I’m a liquid that you can just pour into any cup of your choosing. Some of me might overflow or I might not even fill the glass, but I’ll do my best to fit. But it’s not me. I’m also a hypocrite with myself. No one deserves to be hurt. Except me. No one should have to suffer. Except me. No one should kill themselves. Except me. I can’t tell if I have really low self esteem, or if I’m just selfish.
So there you have it. My entire self worth (or lack thereof) boiled down into five reason. I could honestly go on and on about other small reasons (like how I’m an insufferable weaboo, millennial, paranoid, shut-in) but these are the main reasons. As for what happens after I post this, I dunno. I guess I’m just hoping I die in my sleep tonight. Maybe putting this online will serve as somewhat of a suicide note. (I say that, but I think it’s obvious I’m too chicken shit to try.) I’m not gonna ask for advice, because I honestly feel beyond saving. And I probably don’t deserve it. So I’m just gonna say to whoever’s out there reading this: I love you. Whatever you’re going through, I’m on your side. Since I’m such a piss poor person, I guess I get a little comfort knowing I at least lowered the bar for success. I hope I can at least give you that.