All Christmas time does is make me suicidal; same with my birthdays, which only get more depressing every year.
New Year’s Eve only makes me even more depressed, because all I can think of is how shitty the year was just like the other last several years of my life, and how it was nothing but the same shit nearly every day; and also the fact that there’s one more year down the drain that I can never get back.
I don’t plan on celebrating any of those this year, by the way.
I’m so confused. I just don’t get it. Teenage years/younger years are supposed to be some of the best years of a persons life; why did mine have to be absolute garbage? I’m pissed and I don’t think I’ll EVER be able to forgive god for this. That’s TEN years of my life that I can NEVER get back now. Ten years that were supposed to be some of the best years of my life.
Also “the end” is probably miles away too, so I can’t wait to find out how much more of this bullshit I’m gonna have to deal with.
Yay. I love life. It’s so wonderful, you know? Also it’s total bullshit in my opinion that some people have a way easier and more manageable life than others. Some people are just born more fortunate than others; and I know I’m not one of the “more fortunate” ones and I never was. Yes it sucks, but that’s just the way it is, even though it’s totally unfair in my opinion, and I completely disagree.
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I agree, why does this happen?
I stopped celebrating about 6 years ago because I planned and was supposed to have succeeded in committing suicide 6 years back. I failed but I like to pretend that I went through with it and accomplished my dream of not being alive today. Although I stopped celebrating I was someone else’s celebration last year when I was raped on Christmas Day.
Yes. The cruel, unfair nature of life is something I’ll never understand or agree with. Literally EVERYTHING is a struggle for me, and pretty much has been for my entire life.
The end is coming soon for me, though, because (among other reasons) I have seen how much bullshit I’ve gone through and I don’t want to go through anymore. It never stops and has actually gotten worse.
So good luck with everything, Noah. Hopefully things will improve for you somehow.
Noah, have you talked to someone about this? If not, you should.
I become confusing during the holidays but those that know my story understand why. One second I’m baking gingerbread cookies. Getting presents ready. And the next I’m throwing it all out saying f**k this why do I even bother. It all started when I was 10. It was about a month before my birthday. School was just letting out for the summer. My new baby brother that I would love and cherish forever was just days from coming into this world. Back when I didn’t know better. Back when I didn’t see how cruel the world really was. And…….my mother kicked my grandfather out of my life. Called the cops on him and everything. I still wasn’t given a straight answer to this day so I don’t know why. That’s doesn’t seem like much but he was my whole world. My “father” (in later years I found out that was another lie) wasn’t really there for me. And I always went to my grandfather’s every summer. Christmas break. Thanksgiving. Easter. Which again doesn’t seem like much but when I was 2 my mother moved me to another province so I never got to see him much. When I lost my grandfather my happiness when with him. It was this event that started my depression. It’s been 9 years since then. I’ve started a new life got my grandfather back and still nothing seems right.
Holidays are the worst. It’s just a constant reminder of everyone being happy while i keep wondering wtf is wrong with me and why i can’t be happy too. FTR plenty of people have crappy teenage years, i honestly think i know more people with bad teenage years than good ones.