I want to say goodbye to everyone.
I ordered the rope which will be the noose that ends my life this Thursday.
I cannot live in this skin anymore. I’m not in control of myself and my day-to-day habits. I cannot improve myself in any way, I completely lack self-dicipline and motivation.
Sunday, I realised that there is no way out for me. Here I am, on a course, to study games, the only thing I’m interested in, and I put in 0 effort and neglect to pursue my dreams.
If I look back at the last 26 years, it’s been mostly suffering. There’s little for me to remember fondly. If I don’t do something it will stay that way, and I do not want another 26 years like this.
But I cannot do anything. I cannot because I don’t want to.
I hate the person I am. This disgusting, lazy, repulsive slob of fat that I’ve become. I am of no use to anyone, especially myself. I lack the ability to cause joy to others. I cannot give love to anyone, nobody wants my love, be it friendly or romantic. I am an abhorrent monster that has no place among humans. All I do is suck up money and empathy from you all and I can no longer tolerate this.
I am never going to amount to anything. All I want to do is sit at home, smoke weed and play video games. There’s nothing else that I want to do, and I will neglect real life to an extent that causes me harm, just so I can do this and forget about the world and myself. I tried not smoking and it’s the same, I’m just more aware of my sadness.
I tried seeking help, but there’s no free help anywhere. There are a lot of pretend services that ’listen’ or services that will tell you that everything is okay. I don’t want to be listened to, I don’t want to hear the same old crap. I want to know what is wrong with me!
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! WHY AM I BROKEN? WHY AM I SO WEAK AND APATHETIC?
And when I decided to pay for a therapist it just got me into more debt. Even a professional could only suggest ‘well, write a list maybe?’.
There is no hope for me because I don’t want to get better. This is bizarre and I do not understand it, and I’ve come to accept that I cannot understand it. I am just a fundamentally broken human being.
I know what will happen in the next decades. I will become more and more sad, more fat, ugly, bitter, angry, lonely and stupid. The only thing that was ever good about me, my intellect, is fading away day by day, and I’m no longer anything special. My creative potential is wasted, my imagination is nothing more than a stoners delirium. I’ve spent far too long without nurturing myself, and at this point there is no return. A lifetime of minimum wage Tesco jobs, self-hatred and pity.
I also came to accept that I am the most repulsive man on this planet, and no woman will ever find me attractive or have found me attractive before. I just got lucky with a couple desperate girls, and even that was over 7 years ago.
Whatever hope was left died a year ago when *name censored, I will name her in the real letter* falsly accused me of raping her. I think I died that day and now I’m just following up on it. If a false allegation that doesn’t even go to the police is enough to destroy my livelihood, even when my boss believes she’s lying, then how is it safe to approach any woman? If women can be so tyrannical and suffer no consequences, then striving for a family is futile and will just lead me to even more suffering: I will either go to court for a date gone wrong, an ex grown vengeful or a wife who wants to gut me.
I cannot succeed professionally. I cannot become a father. I am weak, tired, broken and hopeless. There’s no joy in this life and my presence simply makes the world worse.
None of you ever seek me out, which makes perfect sense, I wouldn’t seek myself out either. I came to accept your judgement and enact it upon myself without mercy.
I implore you, do not believe for a second you could have done something to save me. Nobody can help me, only me. But ’me’ doesn’t want to help me. ’Me’ is content with wasting away, but I won’t allow that. I will not suffer any longer. I cannot bear this guilt anymore.
Artax from The Neverending Story didn’t drown in the Swamp of Sadness because he was too heavy or because he stepped wrong. He drowned because he did nothing not to drown.
My life will simply never improve. It can’t, because I won’t do anything for it. I don’t understand this, and nobody could give me the answer. I cannot continue like this.
I wish you all the best things in life. Please forget I ever existed.