When i first started thinking about suicide i told myself id never go on prescriptions. Id never “fake happy” yet here i am at a crossroad. I take one path go on the drugs and maybe just maybe ill be ok. Or i can take the other. Living in hell. Slowly destroying myself with each thought until i finally say enough is enough and end it all. The answer should be obvious. I should just take the drugs and shut up but…its more difficult then that.
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Take the drugs, it’s better than suicide. If you’re “fake happy” you wouldn’t notice anyway once you’re on the drugs right? So what’s the difference, at least with the drugs there’s hope. You might find an answer to fix your mind in the future.
So what? Die for philosophical integrity and being authentic? What even is authentic?! IF the drugs work that means that the brain isn’t producing chemicals that it should be, which means the disfunction or fakeness is the way things appear. The brain(or sickness) is trying to convince you that life is a certain way, but what if it isn’t.
The most powerful phrase in the language is “Who’s to say?” It answers all questions, because evidence is harder than assumptions to produce. Who’s to say what is right? Who fucking knows what the truth is? Does it even matter?
What matters is function(to me anyway, you figure out what matters to you).
If you think your life is horrible now, after the drugs your life will ACTUALLY be horrible. The drugs kill what makes you you and afterwards you are an empty shell. But hell, take em…lose who you are and then try to get that back because “maybe a pill can help”
I’ve already lost who I was. What else can I lose at this point?
I used to have hope and was still flourishing but the medication destroyed that. I stopped it then, but the torture didn’t end there. Good point though, I was just thinking now that all of me is dead or dying and I’ve completely lost all chance of having a good life, to become dependent on medication to numb me down to a brainless, empty zombie would just be a push in the right direction. Maybe I should be put on the highest dose then I’ll have no desire to ever leave my room, and I won’t have to worry about being a better person or doing the right thing or working on the future or having a good time or making others happy. I’d just be content with fading into nothing and destroying myself from the inside out with a poisonous pill. That’s how the pills trick you. They burn up everything you’ve ever tried to accomplish as they make your ambition burn out while stealing your looks and physical health.. but at least you FEEL ok with it because the numbness becomes addicting
I don’t know what to do though. I don’t really get a choice so it would be no easy process to start a extremely heavy dose. I’d become so numb anyway. So I’m at a crossroads….. choice 1: stay alive: unhappy and tortured. Choice 2: dope up: stupid numb. Choice 3: end my life: just gone. ‘Why am I still alive again?’ Either choice I make is difficult there is no easy path to take.
From my experience prescriptional drugs offer little more than a placebo effect and there can also be nasty side effects, ultimately they only serve to numb emotions. My advice would be to stay well clear, it’s not the solution you might think it is, anyway I wish u well.
Don’t give up! If the drugs are what you need then take them but find someone to talk with that you feel safe to be you with. I know that is hard because of the darkness that was inside of me was too dark and ugly to let anyone see, and I already felt unwanted and rejected on top of a mile long list of other things. I did give up on life, and I thank God today that I failed and life did not give up on me because I am here today. I am not happy a lot of the time but I am better. I got the right counseling, found people who I could be the real me with, which surprised me because it was in a church group. The program was Life’s Healing Choices, and Celebrate Recovery. It was amazing to be loved and accepted as is. There might be a Celebrate Recovery group in your area, if there is you might want to try going. It is not an AA group or just for people dealing with addictions, it is for anyone who is hurting for any reason. I survived being molested as a child, rape and abuse and a number of other things and yes I still have to fight to live, if for any reason to reach another who is hurting like me. I am asking you to please hold on and don’t give up.
I Don’t want to. I have a future planned that I’m working towards. A nice little house in the country. My own little business. A bakery. However although I have a plan for the future I can’t see the future. And lately I can’t remember the present. It’s almost like I’m being forced to live in the past. Like im only allowed to see what is wrong with the world. If I see good I just laugh. “Yeah right. What do they want? No one does something for nothing these days.” I have come to believe that you have the people that destroy this world. And the ones that put up with it. The ones that suffer the consequences. My “parents” were nothing but assholes after my first brother was born. I check their Facebook now and again just to see if karma kicked them in ass. It’s been 3 years…nothing. In fact life seems to have gotten better for them yet here I suffer day after day. Getting worse and worse. And they have no idea. These were people I’m just suppose to trust. People that I should have been able to trust. Yet it’s been nothing but lies since the day I was born. When I moved out at 16 I had to search for the answer myself. Talking to friends. Family. Any one one that knew. Until I finally put the puzzle together. My life has been one big lie. And if they were to come to me with the truth…id just tell them to leave. I’m done with their bullshit. And everyone else’s.
I can’t give you advice on drugs, but I just want to say @hope-dream-love that’s a beautiful future you’re working toward 🙂
Thank you! 🙂 I realized I wanted a bakery when I figured out it was the only time I was really happy. When I forgot about the world and the problems. So I decided why not make it my life.
Here’s a twist to the boggle. Define “normal”.
Going through life without feeling like hell. Being able to actually do things without crying or giving up. Have a relationship that’s not constantly at the risk of ending because you fuck up everytime. Not wanting to beat my head off the wall to make it all stop.