I don’t get it. I have everything and more then I could ever want out of life. A loving husband who is helping me towards my dream job. Who is looking for a home to call our own where I can have my “happy space” painting and drawing. Writing. Anything I want. And yet still I want to die although life seems perfect for me. It just doesn’t make sense.
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Do these things truly make you happy, or are they just supposed to make you happy but they don’t?
If your case is the latter, I get it. I’m one of those people who is constantly told that I’m lucky, blessed, etc because of the things I’ve got going for me. But these are appearances only.
It’s the same as photoshopping the hell out of your instagram pics and being told you’re the sexiest human alive, it doesn’t mean a damn thing to you (unless you’re so insecure that empty words make you feel better, but that’s a different issue).
So, rhetorical questions & no need to answer, do you really have a “loving husband”? Or does he simply fit the profile of a loving husband while he hasn’t made the effort of really figuring out who you are inside? Are you really getting close to your “dream job” or is it just the least excruciating career you can think of when forced to be a productive member of society? Is a cozy home really your “happy space”, or is it just another thing that could chain you down and root you to a mediocre existence when the truth is you’d rather be free having adventures with no responsibilities?
Of course I’m projecting my own feelings into those loaded questions. I’m not implying that you personally have false “happiness”. But with me, I know if I want to kill myself, then obviously the happy things in my life are not truly so.
Yes all of those things do make me happy. They are my dreams. And as far as the husband question…..there are a few things I’d like to change but no ones perfect.
Of I spent my life looking for the perfect guy I would be met with nothing but heartbreak and disappointment. Or I can be with someone that makes me happy 80% of the time. Who treats my dreams like his own and understand that arguments are just something that is going to happen especially when you have mental problems. It’s just the way things are.
That’s good to hear that you have genuine happy things. I guess then the problem is that it isn’t quite enough to outweigh the unhappy/suicidal thoughts you have. There’s probably not much you can do about that, but I guess it’s a good start to keep reminding yourself of the good things you have, like you did with this post.
It just all seems so pointless at times and I wonder why bother. It’s never going to end until I do.
You said the magic (cursed) word: pointless. Right, when everything is pointless, nothing is “real happiness”. Not the kind of happiness that makes you say it’s great to be alive. When everything is pointless, even our good times are just meaningless distractions like a drug high. Well said: it’s never going to end until I do.
Is there really such thing as real happiness when your depression is always telling you otherwise?
At least you have a good guy who cares for you Hope. That’s no small detail. But the demon we call depression is never satisfied.
Yeah It seems that way. God forbid depressed people are happy.
In, cadet.