I feel so fking lonely right now. I am craving any form of human contact but at at the same time I am terrified of it. I cant remember the last time when I physically toched someone (cats doesnt count).
I feel lonely even when Im talking to someone coz I never allow them to see my true emotion or personality, just my fake clown mask. The worst part is that I perfectly know that I did all of this to myself. I could have have been happy right now but I am weak and I let my fear and insecurity grow inside me to the point where its greater than me.
I wish there was this magical person that would appear in my life and be really nice to me for no reason so I could reveal my trueself to them and they would save me from myself. I really have fantasies of a 13 year old girl here. That is not happening and I have to help myself on my own. But I really dont know if Im able to…
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When I was 13 I had some killer fantasies about committing suicide. I was supposed to have acted on those and been long gone by 18, but it’s been some years since 18. I guess that is why I’m here on this page.
By 14 I sure as hell wanted to commit. My fantasies were about offing myself and how much it would hurt the two who hurt me so much.
Ya I always thought it would hurt so much so I thought I’d have to use high powered gun so I would just die on impact. I’m all “it seems like it would really hurt to shoot yourself in the brain, but it’d only be a second and then you’d never suffer any longer.” I, uh, used to be afraid. Now I’ve been ready to commit some at least 8 years..
I remember a report of horrific child abuse done to you at age two by your father. Consider how small a two year old is. Consider how innocent a two year old is. Then consider that if your father was this viscous to a two year old, you can consider him viscous to you in many other ways and for all your life.
Now here is what seems absurd and yet therapists see this phenomenon day in and day out. It goes like this:
The parent child bond is very very strong when a child is very young. In normal parenting the parent is loving and giving and safe and the child can trust and learns some good things about life that we ‘cides can scarcely fathom. But what if the parent is doing viscous crimes against the child, such as yourself. Then it would seem something quite the opposite of normal happens. The child appears to love the parent deeply and even more stunning, as the child begins to develop beliefs about what has been done to it, it actually justifies the parental abuse by reasoning that it had it coming because it is defective and deserving of all that occurred.
So, up to this point, you are just about 100% behaving and believing in accordance with what happened to you. Of course those beliefs cannot foster relationships with your fellow human beings or even yourself. At this point you are just about 100% “normal” given what happened to you and the way we humans react at a tender age to such parental inhumanity.
Before I go too much further I will tell you that my own upbringing was similar to yours. My therapist has had one hell of a job working with me.
At this point, in our heads, we have some options, such as:
1. We could, God forbid, just start the cycle all over again with another helpless victim child of our own provided we come up with a pleasant outward personality act that allows to us earn and have physical intimacy with the opposite sex. Nice for you, sort of kinda, horrible for everyone who crosses your path. You will of course suffer a ton rejection etc as this story of life plays out.
2. Maybe we don’t live much longer. Not advocating this course of action but it does happen.
3. Get looking for a useful therapist. They do exist. First define useful. Then go looking on the internet at the profiles they post.
On that last option I will offer a bit from my own search. I went through seven of these people who were near useless before I learned a way to search pout a useful one. This is what got it done:
1. Google until an appealing therapy protocol is found. Out of several, I chose EMDR.
2. Google to find therapists who practice your chosen therapy.
3. Read their profiles to find one who appeals to you.
4. Now you have fighting chance to relearn life. Biggest challenge I have ever faced.
Now I know those monsters (er parents) of mine were utterly unqualified to define me. Work is in progress to undo that mess of a mess they made. Oh by the way, their parents were monsters.
You think other people show themselves for what they truly are?
Maybe in a small measure. But most just hide their true selves.
And is that wrong? I dont know. Being always honest isn’t a good thing I think.
But maybe with the right person who understands you, you know, like a close friend?
Even then its hard, depending on the situation of course.
This is a hard topic to discuss. But think what you would say to a close friend if they revealed their true self to you(which is different/weird compared to how you know him/er). Do you see yourself laughing at him/her or not talking to them anymore? Doubt it.
Agreed, we really can’t be too honest with others, esp if they’re not very. The only people I have been completely honest is with family and sometimes here because it’s pretty much anonymous though I don’t get into too much detail.
But yes if your friends find out certain things about you they do judge. Also, friends tend to be more competitive rather than supportive unless they see you’re struggling then they might help out a bit but not much. It’s just the nature of people I noticed, judging each other and try to claim to be better off than others.
That’s why it’s just better not to reveal too much about yourself except to people you are really close to.
Corrections:
-not very close.
-here, meaning SP
Pmale,
Well there are a lot of social meeting sites, just put yourself out there. You can meet people for romantic relationships or just as friends. Of course you should find someone who has similar interests, education and career background so you’ll have more in common and it’ll be easier to make friends with them.
I knew an outgoing girl, she used to hang out at bars and made new friends that way. Though usually it was guys who wanted to sleep with her but she was getting connections that way. You can also go to clubs or just group or take classes in college.
You’d need to get over all the things holding your back. I have my insecurities also but I stopped caring what people thought and went after what I wanted. Eventually I plan to get back into the dating world but right now I’m working on improving my income situation.
I’m sure you know you really won’t meet anyone new at home. I am not a big believer in sites like PoF or Tinder but they’ve worked for some people. I’m a bit old-fashioned and I find I meet better quality people and esp girls who are much more attractive in real life than I do online. Just my experience.
But the bottom line is that you have to make an effort to find someone. Additionally people like to get to know others who are easy-going, confident, makes them feel comfortable and has a good sense of humor. So all of us have to put on an act when we want to make new friends.
Thanks you and everyone for comments. Everything you said is true. I know deep down that I should focus on myself first before finding some friends or partner but its hard to do it all alone…
But at this point it really is no use finding someone because I keep asking myself what good would I be for them. Like you said everyone likes people that are confident and Im like the opposite of that. Then people like guys with similar interests but my only interests are smoking weed, playing League of legends and listening to music. Not really something I could share with anyone. So ye. I dont see why anyone would want me as a friend or partner at the moment. Thats why I said that I will need to help myself alone. But its so fking hard because I dont wanna do this just for myself. I dont like myself very much.
No problem, you sound like me when I’ve had my down days. I also felt I had nothing to offer to others. That’s part of the problem, your own self-talk, if you don’t believe you have any worth as a friend to others, people will agree with you.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made some stupid embarrassing mistakes because I misread someone’s intentions and fortunately we were able to laugh it off since they assumed I was joking when I was being genuine (like talking about hanging out-I didn’t realize the other person was kidding). A close relative had similar moments but eventually she made good friends over time. It didn’t happen overnight, it takes work but it’s worth it at the end.
So what I mean is that you might have to face some rejection. Also if you’re an adult then it’s more challenging since most people have their group already and are usually hesitant to make new friends. Don’t let that stop you from trying.
Sure a lot of us lead ordinary lives at home. But people hang out with each other cause they need a buddy to go out and get dinner and a movie or hit the clubs, etc. Also there are people in your situation as well, so there could be someone out there thinking the same thing as you who could make a decent friend.
Humor (not excessive) and a friendly disposition goes a long way. If for instance, you work in the trucking field, then you need to probably make friends with someone in the same field or related. You probably wouldn’t find much in common with a lawyer for example.
Also if you don’t like yourself then neither will other people. Think of making friends like finding a job. As a potential employee, you need to convince the employer they need to hire you and that you fit the role. You basically have to do the same, sell yourself when you find a new romantic interest or a friend.
Then you have to fake it till you make it. You need to seem and act confident even if you’re not. We all go through this process. So if you keep working at it, you’ll get better and in time you’ll make a few friends. You’ve already made some here because of your posts.
Of course it’s a bit easier than real life but it isn’t that much more difficult. I’d suggest starting with online meeting sites like PoF and others. Remember there are thousands of people also searching for pure platonic (friends only) relationships. So at least you and get some practice and you’ll be ready for the real world.
The rest is up to you. I’m going to have to go through the same process when I plan to make new friends or get dates also. But I’m not as intimidated of people as I used to be when I was in my teens. I also don’t like myself or my life, but ofc I don’t share that with anyone else and I put my best foot forward.
I’m stuck with this one and only life that was forced on me. I can’t jump into another body/person that I prefer to be, I have no choice but to make the best of what I got or end it and I’m not ready to do that. There are things I still want to experience, so I’m going to go through all the BS to get what I really want out of life. Good luck to us both.