My life is a paradoxical duel existence. Love and hate are the same emotions to me, happiness cannot exist without its counterpart of resentment and anger. I am repulsed by company and the interaction of others and yet I crave their worship. I desire connections and yet violence comes so much easier than affection. I have someone who treats me better than most people are ever treated in their lives and yet I am most cruel to them. I berate and abuse them and yet they remain by my side. I recognize I am toxic, but I don’t know how to change or really want to. There is a new girl I have a fixation on and I alternate between wanting to coddle her and wanting to strangle her though we’re really not much more than strangers. I feel lost, like everyone is operating under some universal mechanics and mine got monumentally fucked up and inverted the moment I was born. I hate when I’m meant to love, I hurt when I am meant to comfort, I am wholly apathetic to most I’m meant to care about. It seems the values I ascribe the greatest value to are the most trivial in the world. Honesty, that’s what I respect and adhere to most strongly and yet others are repelled by my lack of tact and I don’t even realize I’ve been blunt until I receive a negative reaction. Everyone loves fabricated appeal it seems.
So much anger. So, so much anger. How am I supposed to function in a world when everything I do is wrong? People despise me whether I’m nice or not so why should I even try to be? How can I stop being selfish when there’s no reason to look out for anything but myself? How can I not hold myself to the highest priority when I am the only thing that I can truly rely on being there for me? How can I love anything but myself when I am the only one who can truly love such an abhorrent creature? No one can love a serial killer and I am the equivalent in everything but the actual deeds, and so by myself I remain. I will never know what it is like to experience and express emotions in a healthy manner. I will never know what it is like to love someone fully without hating and resenting them. I will never know how it feels to be loved without being repulsed by it. My life is like living in a glass sphere surrounded by life where I can watch and observe but unable to interact and experience and never will.