Hopeless Romantic

Another issue that I have never addressed on this site is my romantic life. Mainly because this site is not the safest place to talk about personal things, as I have no idea who any of you are and things could get dangerous. If you have those intentions, just know that I am ready. However, my Mom always told me that I assume the best in people so here I am trusting a bunch of like-minded individuals on the internet.

I love women. I love talking to them, their soothing voices, their caring complex, and of course the other things that a man enjoys in the pursuit of women. I have always been the type of guy that is not found single. In fact, since I started dating at a very young age I don’t know if I have ever been single for more than a week.

My first serious relationship was in the 8th grade. To this day, I know for a fact that I love her. Had we traversed the same walk of life, I know for a fact we would have ended up together. Alas, she chose a different path in life and we went our separate ways. She was my first sexual experience, and she was very challenging in that regard. When she left me I was devastated, and for the next year I went from women to women with no regard for their feelings. This was purely a sexual endeavor, and when I say that I do not mean we committed the act of sex. In respect for these women, I will only say it was everything except for the act of sex. With that being said, I found myself hated by every girl within a 50 mile radius of my small town. To this day there are many towns I would have to carefully step foot in for a fear of me and my belongings. (My truck tire got slashed one time).

I then had my second relationship. With her, I can not say that I was ever in love. Honestly, I cannot remember how we met. It seems like a few lifetimes ago. I do remember she cared for me in a way nobody else ever had. I find it funny how a woman has it in her to extend love for another person in that way. Regardless, I pursued her as hard as I possibly could have for at least one year. We started late freshman year of high-school and dated until the beginning of senior year of high-school. I am ashamed to admit, I manipulated her. She was a very proud and private woman. After hanging around me for so long, she opened herself up to me in a sexual way. However, at this point her and I are still virgins. I am glad we did not have sex, because I would have hated to have taken that away from her. Out of respect for her I will not speak any more on this matter. I know that is not who she was when I first met her, yet by the time we split she had become a lot like me. I don’t remember a specific instance, or set of instances, in which I managed to distort her character. While I broke many women’s heart’s, I am well aware of the damage I caused her and she is probably still recovering to this day (that was four years ago for perspective). However, I have a knack for moving on very quickly. During the last two years of this relationship, I began to show less and less interest in her and more interest in other women.

Early senior year (yes I know, this overlaps with my second relationship) I met the current love of my life. It was senior football season, so fall-flings were amiss and mistakes were being made. We had talked all during the season, and during that time I was still with my last girlfriend but we were so far apart that I did not worry about what I was doing. It got to the point that after a playoff game, this woman I was talking to asked my girlfriend to take a photo of her and I. I did not get a photo with my girlfriend either, and during the ride home I was on the phone with this girl who was sitting a seat in front of my girlfriend on the bus. Fucked up, I know. For all-intensive purposes, I was your typical high school douche.

However, this girl had always been a light in my eye. I had known this girl since elementary, and up to this point she had been in a very very serious relationship with the prodigal son of one of the richest families in my area. We had been very good friends up until the point of my second big relationship, and that is also the start of her relationship. Well at the senior parking lot party (where we all paint our parking spots), we struck up casual conversation and really hit it off. As it goes, she revealed many of the problems in her relationship to me and, as it goes, as a man I felt the need to intervene. I could write a whole ‘nother post on that story. Needless to say, the ordeal of home-wrecking their relationship left many scars on both of us.

Today, I fully believe she is the one I am meant to be with. However, that isn’t to say we don’t have our problems. I am a romantic, and she is not. She is a scientist, both in her career and in her personality. Logic and reason drive her, whereas I almost purely operate on emotions. Ever since we have been together, I have pursued her with as much vigor as I can muster within myself. I talk to her as though I don’t have her yet need her, yet she continues to treat me as though she already has me and no longer wants me. I love her, unconditionally, so that would never be something that made me want to leave her. Yet I do find myself needing a compassionate woman to talk to.

I am proud to say she is the only woman I have ever been with, and while the man in me wishes I would have messed around a little more I am ultimately glad that I waited for the right one. Yet there are times that the lack of physical contact and verbal compassion gets to me. I have expressed my disdain on multiple occasions to her, to no avail. In fact, I would say this has been a point of conflict since the beginning of our relationship.

As of late this has bothered me more than usual. I am currently travelling the world and am encountering many women that do attempt to pursue me with the same intensity I pursue my relationship with. This issue aside, my interest in women has always been a major component of my character, including my chronic depression. Make of it as you will, and I would like to thank any of those that have read this far.

Good-luck in this journey of life:

– Wolf