The Way of the Dinosaurs

  March 14th, 2019 by LiquidHuman

I’ve heard a lot of people make the statement that they were born in the wrong time. As if that’s something to be proud of. I didn’t used to get annoyed with these people haughtily proclaiming their belonging to a different era, at least not when I was a teen. But now, it pisses me off to no end. Because I now feel that every day of my fucking life.
I’ve only been an adult for three years now, and already I’ve come across a major problem in my biological code. To put it bluntly, I’m inherently backward, I have an innate fear of change, and to make matters worse, I’m entirely self-aware of it. All this puts me at a distinct disadvantage in life. Life only moves forward. Society and culture move with it. It never stops for anyone. Some people can deal with that, relish in it even. Those people are the people we read about in history books. The people who are now seen as heroes of our time, changing the world for the betterment of everyone.
Where do I fit in? Well, I don’t.
Because everyone is capable of moving with the times but me. I’ve realized that during my time studying in woman’s history, that I fit into all the things that those woman have tried to purge from society. Passive, weak-willed, pathetic. Backward. I realize that history only remembers the revolutionaries. The people willing to push the boundaries. That’s not what I am.
And its not just with history, either. Everything political going on around me feels to foreign and uncomfortable, everyone might as well be speaking a different language. Like trying to fit a square peg in the round hole, but there wasn’t even a hole to begin with. Just a place where the hole should be. My ideals, in the grand scheme of things, are bullshit. I’ll only drag everyone down. I know this, as I’m already dragging myself down. I can’t relate too most people in my age group, I can’t relate to most people. I can’t relate to anyone. I’m only going through the motions, playing pretend, acting as if I’m just like everyone else.
I guess maybe it’s not the case that I was born in the wrong time, but I was born incomplete. My function to move forward with the rest of the world, to “get with the times” is stripped from me. I’m not moving at all. I’m a literal statue, a relic from a time and place that probably never existed in the first place. I don’t understand myself, my ideals, my place in a world that’s moving far too fast for me to keep up. I just want to die. I just want to just fade away like a piece of history. Something that doesn’t belong in the world anymore because everyone has just moved on. I don’t to be remembered, I don’t want to be missed, because my being here was a crime against the nature in the first place. I feel gross. I feel sick of myself. I just want to go the way of the dinosaurs and stop fighting to find my place in a foreign world.
And honestly, I’d rather not live my life watching everyone else move forward and I only stay in the same goddamn spot, until I’m a crochety old woman that everyone around me wishes would just die already. I’d love to just be able to leave everything and everyone behind. To just isolate myself on an island somewhere, with nothing around by myself. No one to compare myself to, no one to watch pass me by. All alone, I don’t have to hate myself. I can just pretend, in this isolation, I’m the only one here. Living in my own stagnant corner of time. But that’s just a fantasy.

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