What is the difference between life, dreams, memories ,and false memories.

I get where you are coming from. I have no memories because every day of my life has been the same as the last. I grew up dirt poor causing me to always be degraded. As soon as I came out as a homosexual I was sent right to counseling, I think as an act of homophobia. I’ve wanted to kill myself since 12 years old. The age I knew I would never be accepted for who I am. I do not regret wanting to kill myself, I only regret that I have not committed suicide yet. I was very happy and intent to kill myself on my 18th birthday, but I have this problem where random strangers think they are my friends, and they stopped me. (I mean I may have spoken to these people one or two times and they think they’re my friends.) So I am now 24 and I’ve been trying to kill myself for almost 13 years. I would never want to live my life, I live it in fear and disgust. Human being are no better to me than pesty mosquitos or maggots. Just another useless breed. I have been slightly sexually abused starting as young as 7 years old, this ended when I was about 16 or 17, and then started up again at around 20. I have only had 3 good years of feeling safe and not fearing extreme sexual assault. This year I have had upwards to 159 dreams of some form of violent sexual assault, and it’s usually involves the same people causing me to think I have some problems with people who are obsessed with me/ stalking me. Again, these people are NOT my friends. Once I bought a pocket knife at Walmart and they arrested me because they thought I was going to stab myself with it. Um no, but I don’t understand why it has anything to do with them anyway. I find it is not their business one way or another should I have stabbed myself that day, just causing me to fear being watched more and more. Suicide is not homocide so it is NOT a crime. I had this goal, it was to move out, live on the road, so I would never have to see, speak, think or be bothered by the townsfolk again. That never happened and I’ve been stuck here except now the police control is insane and I’ve been having police follow me up to 7 years, every time I try to take off on the road. I have given the police all the money I have ever had and I don’t really have it in me to make more money (especially when I hate the people so badly) So That goal I gave up on a long time ago. I really have no choice other than be violently sexually assaulted 155 times in 4 years, be followed by horrible folks, or commit…. of course committing is the one I am in favor of, like I said I am happy to kill myself. I have never been happy in my real life. I hate my family, they have always been so weird and disgusting that it freaks me out and they still want to act like they own me. My goal was to never see them again, I am forced to see them every day and I literally f*cking hate them. I hope to commit in 7-10 days but if that fails then I will have to try try try try try try try again so my goal will be reached and I will no longer have to live here with these beings I detest.