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by miszion

I login again to this website, after depression and suicidal thoughts begin to creep back into my head after almost a week of feeling fine. I haven’t been here in quite some time.

 

My drinking habit has not lessened, in fact I’ve drank more these last two weeks than I had all year yet. My behavior has gotten stranger and stranger once drunk. My boyfriend picked me up from the bar and my anxiety and insecurities clicked on so savagely once I realized what a fool I had made of myself, that I proceeded to jump out of a vehicle moving at least 20 mph. He stayed the night with me because he was afraid that if left alone I would seriously hurt myself. I’m surprised he didn’t leave me for good after the way I raised my voice at him and cried that I hated myself to the ends of the earth. I want to stop drinking, I really do. The hangovers aren’t worth it and my wallet doesn’t love it, either. But for some reason I can’t stop. I don’t crave it all day every day, I don’t sit around itching for a drink or shirk my responsibilities to go get drunk. There are just some days where I have this subconscious need to sit at a wooden bar and rack up tabs of an average of $50 consisting of beers and whiskey. And as if I’m on auto pilot, I get on the bus and ride for 20 minutes and then suddenly find myself a few drinks in and ranting to the person next to me about politics or taxes or whatever else. My voice starts getting louder, my laugh more hysterical, and my attitude begins to change. I’m still a nice and social person but I’ll get fixated on something and sometimes it isn’t a positive thing. The next thing I know it’s 5 a.m. and I’m laying on my bedroom floor clutching a bottle with a razor laying in front of me, music blaring and tears running down my face. I never actually relapse, haven’t yet anyways, but apparently drunk-me gets prepared to. I spend the entire day throwing up at work but unable to leave. I need to earn back all of the money I spent at the bar last night so I can still pay my phone bill and afford to eat this week. And drink again.

I started hiding from my boyfriend when I drink. But he can tell just from the way I’ll respond to a text, even if there’s no typos, if I’m drinking or not. And last week he asked me to please stop. I drank again yesterday and last night. I disassociated at the bar and fantasized about dying. I don’t know how to stop.

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Cause of Death: Suicide 4/30/2019 - 1:44 am

I’ve been planning to kill myself at any moment the last three years since I figured out a good method.. I was arrested three years ago and then twice in a row, the second was the day before I was going to jump off a cliff to my death. I was arrested for drinking two damn ass beers and driving home. I was on a binge I guess but I never drank more than 2 beers a day (about 4 or 5 days a week) for a few months in a row. OK yeah no other crime but gotta have a way home, you know? I wasn’t out mugging people or knife fighting, you know? Anyway, so I was on probation for 2 years. I had to pay em about 10,000$ so just a warning heads up that if you get someone following you around cause you drink or something then they may start “anonymously” calling the cops on you. Or worse, idk torture, depends how f*cked up the third party is. Good thing your boyfriend sounds nice lmao. Also women who drink are sometimes targeted by men with one interest because they are easier to convince to yadayada daterape and all that dirty shit that goes along with drunk women.

Any how, finally I got done drug testing for two years for the anonymous rapist that f*cking turned me in. I told myself dam if there was one thing I would work for to do before I commit suicide it would be I would work to pay off the 10,000$ and drink & smoke marijuana again before I commit. At least one last time. (This has nothing to do with it but while on my probation charges, I was raped like 150 times during 2017 and 2018.. it started to freak me out) so I finally got off probation and got some smoke after being sober for two fucking years then was arrested two more times.. like 2 weeks later and 11 days apart about 2,000$ more now. Along with being raped 150 times, you could say I am terrified…. dunno why they even pull me over to begin with… seems like they are following me. I have dreams cops are telling me they want to murder me because I am a lesbian. Before I was arrested I had a dream two cops were fucking me one in the front and one in the back.. I was 22 years old..

I’ve noticed when I am smoking weed, I don’t want to kill myself as much as when I am sober, but I still know in the back of my head that I have to kill myself and when I sober up it’s either drink or smoke weed again or FINALLY commit.. so it’s a vicious cycle, but it’s definitely not the drugs that CAUSE the suicidality.

I’ve been set on killing myself since a young age, at least they help me forget. Nothing else I can really do. Alcohol and weed helps a hell of a lot more than psychiatric pills. Those did nothing but harmful side effects.

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