This isn’t about suicide, except in concerning the kind of stupid thing that often contributes to feeling I want out.
My aunt is coming to stay in a couple of weeks, and I’m dreading it. I haven’t seen her in nearly 10 years. I’ve avoided every opportunity, every occasion. I skipped the weddings of my cousins, the birth of their children. The last time I saw her was my grandmothers funeral. It’s been over 7 years since I saw anyone from my extended family. I’ve tried to ignore their existence as much as I can. But in two weeks, she’s coming.
The thing about it is, she’s an entirely nice, decent, well-meaning person. They all are. It’s not them I’m dreading. It’s being me while talking to them. It’s having to acknowledge what a worthless loser I am to another person.
I can do it fine in the abstract – yes, I am a garbage person. Yes, I am both sad and pathetic. Yes, I’ve wasted all the advantages given to me, along with the last 12 years of my life. It’s depressing, but I can just about live with it.
But when it comes to letting others in on the fact, and the awkwardness & embarrassment that ensue…it just fucking kills me. I don’t know how to cope with it.
Now I know this is an irrational reaction. It will likely have zero bearing on my future prospects. There’s unlikely to be any negative outcome that can result from them seeing what a useless void of a person I’ve become. No insults will be thrown. It’s unlikely they’ll even criticise. It’ll just be awkward as fuck.
But still, I don’t know how to handle it. I guess I’m hyper sensitive to what others think of me. The shame of it just makes me want to self-immolate. I have an extremely low tolerance for embarrassment or awkwardness of any kind.
I’m dreading the small-talk. ”So, what have you been up to?” ”Literally nothing. I worked a shitty dead end job for 4 years, then quit and spent most of my days lying in a depressed haze for 3 years.” ”So, what are your plans?” ”Well, I’m thinking suicide may be inevitable at some point, but other than that I have no clue.”
I could arrange to be out of town when they come, but that might involve more stress than being here. I can’t really think of a legit excuse for not being around. I even considered joining the climate protests in London for a week, (which would have sent my anxiety off the wall) but it seems like they’ve packed up for the time being.
Without a good excuse of somewhere else to be, I think my Mum would probably be upset if I wasn’t here. And my aunt might take it as a slight (if she knows I’m normally here.) I don’t want to offend or upset anyone. I just really don’t want to be here when they visit. I don’t want to experience that awkwardness. I don’t want to be seen as the pathetic waste of space that I am. I don’t want them to see what I’ve become.
This sense of dread has been gnawing away at me ever since I heard she was coming. Gotta find some way out. I know it’s ridiculous, but I just can’t face it.