The past couple years

This week, the past couple years, have been completely different than this year. Two years ago I made a mistake with a friend. Last year I was so incredibly happy for a weekend with that same friend. This year I think about that friend how much I didn’t realize they were shit and now I’m in a position where I’m really happy. But I can’t stop thinking about that friend and all that happened with them. I’m just not sure if I should be sad or not. I was forced to block and remove that friends contact info from my phone which was probably for the better. But my life is just a mashed up puzzle that I don’t know how to deal with things. And I don’t want to deal with things. I want to lay in bed and never get up. I tried reaching out to a counselor and maybe getting help but they haven’t responded and it’s probably because I’m slowly passing the point of being able to get back up. I act okay for the most part. I come off as fine. No one notices anything still. Yet here I am just constantly wishing I was gone that I could run away that I could sink into the ground and suffocate and not be here anymore that people would stop caring about me because I don’t fucking care about them. I want to be treated like shit because it’s what I deserve. I want to be pushed away and to be left with nothing. I want to die in a car crash every fucking time I get in a car. It’s so hard for me to not imagine slamming my car into a wall or someone else hitting me and killing me. It’s so hard to pretend to be okay but somehow I do it. Somehow I am still fucking here, dead on the inside pretending to be okay. I want to go back to last year. Where I was happy in San Diego. Where I was smiling with my friend. How I didn’t feel sad at all for two whole days straight. I miss him and talking to him even though he was shit at points I need him in my life to remind me that there was good in the bad. Not this whole fucking things where I have something good and I know I don’t deserve it and I know it’s all just gonna be a ruse and it’s going to end and I will not be able to get back up. Cuz if this ends, I won’t be able to pick myself back up. The second this ends I’m down and I won’t survive it at all. There is no possible way for me to live through this and I just don’t know what to do.