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The Oncoming Train

by LiquidHuman

I just prayed for my death tonight.

I did this a few times before. I won’t say I’m extremely religious, but I do believe someone is out there. It’s comforting sometimes. However, it wouldn’t bother me too much if I crossed to the other side and was just met with a blank emptiness. Honestly, the eternal quiet would be a good change of pace. So whether I’m proven wrong or right, as long as I get to rest in peace, that’s fine with me.

As for the reason I prayed for my death, let’s just say I’m terrified. I’ve been low key terrified for months now about the state of the world. Stuff like political unrest, climate change, and even just advancing in my own life: it all just scares the shit out of me. It didn’t used to. When I was a teenager I was depressed, but these issues just felt so far away. Now, they’ve made a home inside me. They’re living in my brain, leeching off me and disrupting my life. I live in constant fear and anxiety. I feel like the world is ending. And the worst part is, it’s ending slow. Like I’m tied to the train tracks, just watching the oncoming train get closer and closer. No escape. No hope.

So I prayed. I prayed that before the calamity hits, I’ll be killed. Not like an illness that will whittle me down slowly. Like a car that I only just realized was speeding towards me while crossing the road. Something quick like that. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to watch the panic in the streets. I don’t want to see the fear on my family’s faces. I just want to fade away before the tragedy strikes.

I can only hope God delivers.

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3 comments

justarandomguy 6/10/2019 - 3:39 am

me too man but im takin it into my own hands, im scared im really really scared but I have to do it. I don’t want to be alone scared or in pain anymore I just want to go to bed

Cause of Death: Suicide 6/10/2019 - 4:43 am

I used to pray to die in my sleep as the last thing I would do before I fell asleep, every night from 10 years old to 12 years old. I’d pray most every night that I would die in my sleep that night and not wake up in the morning.. I never died in my sleep so I learned if you want something in your life you have to go and do it yourself because God wasn’t helping me out. To this day, I still wish I would have died then at ten years old, but I learned God wouldn’t kill me so I’d have to use pills, guns, rope, or needles.. I am 25 now but nothing has changed since I was ten. I still live in the same misery, but it’s just worse now since that I have turned older than 18 that I start getting raped. I have been raped 167 times since I turned 18. I am a homosexual, but I was also sexually abused as a child. So I can honestly say there hasn’t been longer than 3 months of my child and adult life that I haven’t been sexually abused. I planned to commit no later than 18 years old by gunshot but then my abusers started getting involved and doing everything they could to stop me from getting what I needed. I barely have left the bed since 18. Every day I have to come to terms with no matter how hard I prayed, planned and knew committing suicide at 18 was the best thing I could do for myself that I am still alive and only because I was forced to be by people I hate. I’d by a gun and kill myself this month (method of choice and the plan since I was ten if praying didn’t work) but 500$ was stolen from me by my mom because she went on a vacation to Alaska so she’s taking my money to pay for it. I’ve been trying to be able to afford this gun forever but usually she will take all the money and use for herself..

LiquidHuman 6/10/2019 - 10:57 am

I’m really sorry, man. Your life pains me to hear about. It’s times like these where I wish I could put everyone else’s pain onto myself. You know, give it to a shittier person than the one who’s on the receiving end of it. Because from what I read, you don’t deserve this. You have a life I’m too much of a coward to live. You remind me that there are people way more worse off than me, and that’s the thing that fucking kills me the most. I don’t deserve death. Whenever I hear about these things, I try and remember there are people who literally have no other option. The only reason I’m both still alive and that I want to die is my own cowardice. While you’ve been in so much pain for years! I don’t know what to say or how to make you feel better, but if I could I’d sit beside you and tell you I’m there for you. I honestly can’t blame you for ending it all, so whatever you choose, good luck. I just wish I could do more to at least make you feel a little better. Even if it doesn’t last that long.

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