I just prayed for my death tonight.
I did this a few times before. I won’t say I’m extremely religious, but I do believe someone is out there. It’s comforting sometimes. However, it wouldn’t bother me too much if I crossed to the other side and was just met with a blank emptiness. Honestly, the eternal quiet would be a good change of pace. So whether I’m proven wrong or right, as long as I get to rest in peace, that’s fine with me.
As for the reason I prayed for my death, let’s just say I’m terrified. I’ve been low key terrified for months now about the state of the world. Stuff like political unrest, climate change, and even just advancing in my own life: it all just scares the shit out of me. It didn’t used to. When I was a teenager I was depressed, but these issues just felt so far away. Now, they’ve made a home inside me. They’re living in my brain, leeching off me and disrupting my life. I live in constant fear and anxiety. I feel like the world is ending. And the worst part is, it’s ending slow. Like I’m tied to the train tracks, just watching the oncoming train get closer and closer. No escape. No hope.
So I prayed. I prayed that before the calamity hits, I’ll be killed. Not like an illness that will whittle me down slowly. Like a car that I only just realized was speeding towards me while crossing the road. Something quick like that. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to watch the panic in the streets. I don’t want to see the fear on my family’s faces. I just want to fade away before the tragedy strikes.
I can only hope God delivers.