The Oncoming Train

I used to pray to die in my sleep as the last thing I would do before I fell asleep, every night from 10 years old to 12 years old. I’d pray most every night that I would die in my sleep that night and not wake up in the morning.. I never died in my sleep so I learned if you want something in your life you have to go and do it yourself because God wasn’t helping me out. To this day, I still wish I would have died then at ten years old, but I learned God wouldn’t kill me so I’d have to use pills, guns, rope, or needles.. I am 25 now but nothing has changed since I was ten. I still live in the same misery, but it’s just worse now since that I have turned older than 18 that I start getting raped. I have been raped 167 times since I turned 18. I am a homosexual, but I was also sexually abused as a child. So I can honestly say there hasn’t been longer than 3 months of my child and adult life that I haven’t been sexually abused. I planned to commit no later than 18 years old by gunshot but then my abusers started getting involved and doing everything they could to stop me from getting what I needed. I barely have left the bed since 18. Every day I have to come to terms with no matter how hard I prayed, planned and knew committing suicide at 18 was the best thing I could do for myself that I am still alive and only because I was forced to be by people I hate. I’d by a gun and kill myself this month (method of choice and the plan since I was ten if praying didn’t work) but 500$ was stolen from me by my mom because she went on a vacation to Alaska so she’s taking my money to pay for it. I’ve been trying to be able to afford this gun forever but usually she will take all the money and use for herself..