I wish I could just delete myself. Delete my existence.
I thought I was getting better, happier, even. I tried to forgive myself for every mistake I make, but the truth is, that’s all I do. Even when I try so so hard to be my best self, I break people.
I break people’s hearts, crush their expectations, ruin their lives without them even noticing. That’s my problem, I seem so good but I do so bad. I break everything.
I feel like I’m a hurricane, I destroy everything in my path. It’s in me, never calming down. Always looking for a way to get out. No matter how hard I try, I cannot shake it off, because it’s me. It’s who I am and it’s what I do.
I’m not the light, the sun. I’m the storm hidden behind it. The dark, gaping universe that swallows it. But it’s blinding. I blind people, leaving them clueless. They have no idea they are being taken by darkness because all they see is light.
I should have never been able to move freely. Because this hurricane will kill. Everything and everyone, including myself. This hurricane won’t slow down, but it will fool everyone. It is coming. You may only realise it once there’s drizzle, but in this story, it’s the storm that follows the rain.
10 comments
Thank you for sharing. I feel the exact same way. I try so hard to be a good person but I end up destroying everything. I’m a fraud.
Thank you again for posting. I don’t feel so lonely.
On one side, I’m glad I’m not alone and you now know you’re not alone.
But on the other side, I’m really sorry you feel this way too. I know how hard it can be, but eventhough feeling like this is killing, please don’t let it.
I try not to think about it but the thought of deleting myself is still there.
Sometimes I feel self destructive. Like I’m trying to mess things up. Other times I dont even know I’m doing it.
Maybe we both need forgiveness.
Sorry for my late reaction, but I relate so much. It’s like sometimes I’m aware of the negative spiral (feel miserble, let it out on others, only receive bad attention) and other times I’m not even aware that when I’m feeling down my presence is already exhausting people. I don’t know if that makes sense.
But maybe we should forgive each other. I forgive you, if that helps?
On the up Side, Architects in Japan are having Construction Sheets for Hurricane Safe Buildings.
There is a Song by 30 Seconds to Mars which is not the best.
I believe you just need to find your Center, it will be calm and bright. You just should not poison yourself down.
Thank you. I appreciate you trying to inspire me.
tell us a little more about your hurricane. what exactly seems to be the problem.
if you are trying to be your best self, you are never to blame. it’s all a person can do.
dont be so hard on yourself. nobody is perfect. perferction doesnt exist, not in man, not in nature.
Sorry for my late reaction, but thank you for your positivity, think I needed that.
I don’t know what there is to add, just that it’s a never-ending storm, like there’s always something raging, too abstract to call thoughts but to concrete to brush it off.
But what I mean is basically that I am destructing everything in my path, doesn’t matter if my intentions are good or bad. I bring negativity with me and influence everything badly because of my “vibe”. Even though I try not to.
Hey can you take me with you, I’m not much into word games but I have been ready to die for 15 years,
It breaks my heart to hear that. But my whole point is that I wish it weren’t like that, that I wish I did not take everyone and everything down with me. Sometimes that, my wish to do good, be good, only the wish, not even the hope of it being true, is what keeps me going. Don’t you have a wish or something else?